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| My catch from Saturday! |
Today I woke up feeling tired, sad and a little lonely. I hesitate to say I’m homesick because I’m not sure I am. I miss my friends, family and kitties but part of me doesn’t want to go back home. The part of me that wants to stay is afraid that if I do stay I’m just making things worse for myself when I do return. But I have nothing planned until July. Girls Camping Weekend is the most important thing I have to do all year.
I woke up thinking about my friend Christine too. She was gone for a year and I only called her twice. I sent her a few emails and no real mail. I see now that I should have done more to support her from here. And I’m not saying that to make anyone feel bad or guilt them into emails. But being far from home can be hard at times. You make other friends but there’s no history, they don’t understand why you do things or don’t do things or react certain way to situations. I’m struggling with these relationships that I know are temporary.
Maybe the weight of my reality at home is hitting me? I’m feeling very much like I should already know what I’m doing with my life. I’m 42 for kitties sake, shouldn’t I have it figured out by now?
This weekend I spent both days at the beach. And yes I got a sunburn, so much for that base tan from the fall! Haha But while at the beach I wasn’t worried about my future, sure I still didn’t know anymore than what I was doing right then but now I feel a heavy heavy weight pressing on my heart and my brain is racing to make sense of the jumble around me and at home. The problem is coming home doesn’t help me. I’m just in safer place to be confused, discouraged and unsure. I’m hoping my mood, like the weather here will change quickly. I probably just need to cry a bit.
I wish I could offer some help, I'm so impressed of the progress you've made in a place where you knew no one and had a sketchy plan at best. You have a gift of being able to allow people into your experience, I just wish that could be channeled into a paying career. I miss you tons and am sorry I haven't been as supportive, I feel like my day to day goings on are petty in light of such exotic endevours.
ReplyDeleteI'm just glad to know you are still reading! that's something! I miss you and wish you could ask me a million questions at once over a cold cold old german! xo
ReplyDeleteHey - I'm here too. Seeing the photo of the sunny beach makes me have Costa Rica envy. It's raining here today - but it's 55 not 85.
ReplyDeleteRuss I miss you! But 55 sucks! :) so does the rain, even if rainy season is coming, it's still warm!
ReplyDelete(((( hugs )))) i think being away is giving your perspective and time to grieve. try not thinking about it... it will come when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteyesterday and today has been in the 80's... it's warming up just for you ;)