The Always Enteraining Unvierse

Just when you think the Universe is crazy, you find out she's actually Hellarious.  Hell. ar. ious.
Two weeks ago I received an email from Coco asking me how I was, wishing me a merry christmas and telling me he's not on the farm and he's now single. Last Wednesday I called him. It was as if no time had passed, we joked and had a great conversation.  He didn't want to talk about what had happened between him and baby's mama so I let it drop.  He also apologized to me, which was a little surprising but I was glad for it.  It was really good to hear his voice, but left me with a million mixed feelings. I still have the mixed feelings.  We've talked a few times and he's asked me to return to him.  Promising me his heart amongst another organ. haha Hey, I could have said another red throbbing thing. hahaha Man, I crack myself up.

Anyway, this raises many thoughts and many hours of therapy lie in question.  Also, the cold is getting to me.  I can't stand it.  It makes me sooooo crabby.  Heated yoga helps, today as I was in corpse pose literally right next to the heater with my eyes closed, I imagined being on the beach with a hot breeze blowing on me.  It's summer in Costa Rica, hardly any rain.  I've never experienced full-on summer there.  December and January are the months with the least amount of rain.  It's taking all my will power not to book a flight for tomorrow.  or the next day.  But the kitties, and other obligations are preventing it.  Funny thing is I just looked at flights.  I could go for three weeks before Roomie runs off to Vietnam. Looks like $700ish. But damn, then I'd spend more money getting to southern Costa Rica and food, and probably beer.  Sounds expensive.  Sounds crazy.  But double damn that's what I want to do.

The other thing stopping me from doing this is my boyfriend, Painting.  I promised a 6 month commitment.  that expires the end of February.  And you can't just keep dropping Painting and expect he'll always take you back. 

So I'll take this opportunity to spend some quality time with Painting tonight. 

Strange Days Indeed

I'd like to be able to say "Nobody told me there'd be days like these"  but I'm pretty sure they have.  This last week has been interesting to say the least. I've realized that I am in no way shape or form in a place in my life to meet new people or make new friends.  I met someone who was interesting to talk to at a Spanish meeting up thinger.  He was from Peru.  He was interested in my art so I gave him a card.  He emailed me, and although his emails could have been considered flirty I tried to think of it as someone to practice Spanish/English with and maybe a new friend.  Nothing wrong with that.  Well, nothing until I started feeling very uncomfortable with the amount of compliments and the personal questions.  Now, I know asking someone get to know you questions is normal. VERY normal.  But I don't really enjoy talking that much and to have someone I don't know inquire about personal things just felt like too much.  It's bad enough talking about things with people I love and people that know my back story.  I just don't have the mental energy for new friends I guess.  So I had to be a dick and very clearly state that I was not looking for anything other than a casual friend to speak Spanish with.  That didn't go as well as I'd liked.  He took it as personal rejection, which pushed me even further away.  and then I felt bad and tried to explain but that only made things worse.

In other news.  I'm not sure I mentioned this.  Coco is back with baby's mama and the second baby was born Oct. 5th.  Nicolas a boy.  Baby mama finally saw some photos I posted on facebook in March and apparently freaked out.  Commented on them, rude comments toward Coco.  Coco re-blocking me on facebook, blah blah blah. Drama. Drama. Drama.  I'm so thankful they are in another country.  I'm also thankful the universe took this problem out of my hands, now if I could just remove it from my heart.

Job interview.  200 other applicants.  Strange party.  Roommate leaving.  Sick cat. Crying breakdown during yoga.  And these are just the highlights. 

Ah, what a strange and wonderful life to lead.  As I mentioned earlier, life is sort of exciting when you start to see these crazy things as part of a wonderfully illustrated and written story.  Sure beats sitting in a cubical all day.

Flashing Like a Curser on a Blank Page, Not Like a Drunk Woman at a Drag Show.

Staring at the blank screen with the cursor blinking is a strange metaphor for my life right now.  I know that there are things I want to write, just as I know there are things I want to do.  I just don't know for sure what or how.

The last few weeks have been filled with many strange occurrences.  See some, but not all, details in next post. But know these things are pushing me further from wanting to live a normal life.  And maybe I've always known that a normal life isn't for me.  Maybe a temporary normal as a means to an end, maybe.

My life is mostly a blank screen right now.  The only certain things I am responsible for are my kitties and my iphone.  haha  But really the kitties are my only concern about doing anything drastic, like selling what's left and heading south or west to a cheap country to teach English.  I guess having an open for interpretation life is pretty exciting, and maybe I haven't really thought about it that way before.  I'm not as tired to the trappings of this life as some (this life = cars, houses, clothes, things, jobs, status etc.) but there are definitely times when I feel down about my current status.  Embarrassed that the wine I bring to dinner is a $4.40 bottle of Rex Goliath 2001 "47 Pound Rooster".  Which in my opinion gets the job done and has an amazing label.  But according to some it's only good for sangria. If that. But thankful that I have friends who love me and $4.40 for that bottle. 

So as usually life really is about what you make of it.  About the choices and how you react to those choices.  And it's so helpful to think of it as a 'choose your own adventure'.  Even the sad, crazy, and terrible things that life can hand us, help us grow and help us appreciate the good times.  Realizing that it all becomes this great story at the end helps too.  I mean really, would I want to sit in a nursing home some day and not have any funny terrible stories to tell?  I doubt it.  My friends would be bored.  :)  I don't plan on being bored or boring even in the nursing home.  

And in the words of William and many others before taking that amazing first drink of beer on an equally amazing hot Costa Rican day "Salud, Amor y Dinero!"

I thought.

Sometimes I do think, but not often.  In fact, one of my best life skills is not thinking.  Ignoring, temporarily forgetting, burying deeply and pretending things are fine, those are my specialties.  Terrible skills to have. Although I know they serve a purpose, but using these skills for years makes for a really expensive therapy tab.

So I'm trying to work through my current emotions about Costa Rica and all that happened there.  All that has happened since my return. It gets really confusing at times.  Knowing what was real and what wasn't.  And maybe the truth doesn't matter, and I'll probably never know the entire truth.  The reality is I need to learn and move on.  Without distraction and crutches that are soooo easy to fall into. 

I never intended for this blog to become a relationship whining blog, and it won't be this way forever.  My Jungle life adventure will evolve into something else and so will this blog.  I plan to travel and explore and live an adventurous life again.  It may not be in a real jungle with deadly snakes and food foraging, it may only be here in Portland.  But I know my life will be an adventure again.  I mean, it is anyway, really.  I'm an outlier, unemployed, making do, selling some art, sitting some pets and creative financing.  I just need to heal, rest, recharge and eventually redirect.

and then...

October 21st 2012  The W Hotel Seattle Washington USA (transcribed from hand written journal)

Sitting in my 4 start hotel room I am hit with an overwhelming longing for the farm.  The jungle surroundings call to me.  The heat, the bugs, the sweat.  I feel a sadness that I can't quite explain.  A missing of something I may have imagined.  A desire to connect with the environment around me.  To rely on each other with someone.  Though those descriptions aren't exactly right.  I miss.  I feel a need, a desire, a dream.  But I know that part of what I miss wasn't healthy, it wasn't even sane.  But the struggle, the fun, the excitement was always real. 

Recently I've been frustrated, or something, when others freak out about the things that were commonplace in Costa Rica.  Bugs being a huge trigger.  Fruit flies in wine or on food, flies in the house, ants on the counter.  Throwing out the wine because it had some bugs in it.  These are normal things here (in the US) to be upset about.  There the normal is to maybe get rid of some ants before eating the rest of them in your sugar.  Coco would sometimes put the sugar container close to the fire and they would leave the jar.  For a while. 

I've been here(back in Portland) for more than 4 months now and many of my memories are so clear, so burned into my mind.  At times I close my eyes and I'm still there.  Laying on the foam pad on the floor with windows of open holes and the rain pouring down at night. Last week I had a dream about my baby bun buns.  Last night it was Coco. He was telling me he had to do what was right for his daughter.  There are so any reasons we can't be together, but I miss him.  And I sit here looking around this nice hotel with two thoughts: 1. What would it be like to be here with him?  2. How totally unimpressed I am with the plush life at times. I do appreciate my hot showers every day and wonder if I can live again without hot water.  But I know the answer is yes.

This week my lives have been confronting each other.  A small desire to return to work.  A feeling I don't have enough talent, skill or tenacity to really be a painter. And my overwhelming urge to flee the country.  All umbrella-ed by the anxiety of the future.  I know I wouldn't be happy working in an office doing either mindless tasks or struggling to keep up.  40 hours a week with only 2 weeks vacation a year.  But the money would be nice for a while.  To save up.  maybe have an escape plan in place.  Somehow keep the house and rent it out.  I'm just so lost in my world.  Or maybe in the world.  

Done but not Finished

the painting isn't finished but i had to be done with it. 

Work In Progress

and i'm not talking about myself.  it's about 50% compete.  still working out the drawing and contemplating removing the shirt. 

When did I get so Discustingly Sappy?

I heard this song today and couldn't help but apply it to my current situation.  My new theme song, I guess.  In other news, I spent 7 hours painting today when I should have been doing homework. 

You can read the lyrics or listen to it. :)  Or both.  47 times in a row if you want.

Coconut Records
West Coast lyrics

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/coconut_records/west_coast.html ]
I'm goin back home to the west coast
And if you shake her heart enough she will appear
Tonight i think i'll be stayin here
And you never did like this town
I talk out loud like you're still around
No nooo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Come on everybody

Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa

So pack up the bags to beat back the clock
Do i let her sleep or should i wake her up
You said
We both go together if one falls down
Yeah right, heh
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I m goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaaa
I'm goin back home to the west coast
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaaa
I 'm goin back home to the west coast

Lalalalaa
Lalalalaa

GCW after an evening wade

After spending 8 days in the woods camping(girls camping weekend aka GCW), floating in the sun and drinking beer I thought I'd have some piece of mind.  Some direction.  Anything.  But instead I feel more confused than ever. 

I did drive to town on Thursday for more beer and ice and to call Coco on his 28th birthday.  He was so happy to hear from me and we had a very nice conversation.  Which probably added to some of my confusion.  It also didn't help that on Sunday when I returned I had a facebook message from him asking me not to call for a few days as his baby's mama and baby were visiting.  Well, here's the thing, I actually am not 100% sure of what his message said.  I can read some and thought I knew what it meant, but when i put it in to the two online translators I use it got more confusing. But what ever it said isn't sitting right with me.

I have purposely left out the details of my money woes, as this is not what this blog was about.  But at some point the life-searching, struggles, living and loving come to a point where money plays a factor.  Like it or not.  I have some very major decisions to make about my future. All aspects. And in times of great stress my decision making skills go out the window.  All the thoughts jump around like a meth-ed out man with 1000 channels on cable with a remote control in hand.  It's times like these when I believe I am a Gemini.  Because I can usually narrow things down to two decisions and then have equal weight to both.  or at least that's what it seems like.

Anyway, I don't know if this blog serves me any longer. Or if I'll write here again.  I'm back in the city and in my "real" life.  But oh how I miss being warm most of the day and night, and the animal noises, and not understanding everything that's happening around me.  And many other things.  Barking dogs and children are so much less annoying in other countries.

Here's my real blog if anyone cares.  It's not required reading.  :)  itsalmostmonday

Independence Day

Independence. Freedom. Unfettered. Liberated. Autonomous.
 
A free agent if you will.  That's what I became today officially.  After a short phone call with Coco it was decided that we would be only friends.  That it is too hard to maintain a relationship when I don't know when/if I can go back and even then I couldn't really stay very long.  He can't realistically come here.  Phone calls are expensive and hard to have especially during the rainy season.  And basically neither of us know what the hell we are doing tomorrow, figuratively and literally.  Both of our futures are really up in the air and filled with uncertainty and anxiety. 

Knowing all of this still doesn't help the sadness I feel.  It's funny how some people really get to you.  Reaching places in your heart and head that not many others can ever get to.  We joked about how we were probably together in another lifetime.  Or that we will be together again in a future other lifetime. There was a connection between us that is hard to explain.  Maybe it was the heat, or the booze, but it was definitely something.  I think I mentioned this before, but something about being with Coco made me realize that even though I've spent most of my adult life fantasizing about being alone that I really don't want to end up alone.  I'm not desperate to hook up with someone, or get married, or settle for anyone just to have someone.  But it's nice to know that someone has your back, and you are there for that someone too. 

Don't get me wrong, I am really really fortunate to have a couple of amazing friends that I know I can rely on in a similar way.  I am also really glad to have spent the time I did with Coco and am happy he and I can stay friends.  But it's still really difficult right now.  Nothing in my life is stable, I feel very very lost and so unclear about everything. 

It's hard to put into words when everything you've been told and have believed for years about careers and jobs and money seems to go out the window and not make sense anymore.  Things and items seem so meaningless and pointless and a burden weighing me down.  I want to be rid of it all.  The furniture, the house, the books, the shoes, etc.  All those things that we fill our lives with, all those things we are told will make us happy.  But those things, in my case, have started to feel like they stop me from really living at times.  Those times when all I want to do is travel and see and smell and taste all things new and foreign.  To live those lives that aren't mine, but are entirely mine to live. To live my life for me. 

So now that I've rambled and cried, having made little and also much sense to myself or you, I leave you with a lyrics quote from the song that's been in my head all day long.  And in some of the weeks prior and I'm sure will be in the weeks to come.  

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -Me and Bobby McGee, best preformed by Janis Joplin of course. 

Ha. I bet you expected another "Free Bird" quote.  :)  

My Life in a "The Jerk" Quote

"The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days."

The 2nd floor bedroom at the farm. 

Well, you get the idea.  I've been home two weeks as of today, but it seems like forever.  And sometimes it seems like I never left.  And sometimes it seems like I'm still there, but that's only when I'm asleep.  I miss the warmth, the farm, and Coco.  I keep imagining what it would be like going about my menial daily tasks with him here.  And it's always more fun when I think of him being here.   Especially the 3 hour car drive with the radio on scan singing to keep the boredom and sleep away.  I imagine what he'd think of Oregon and the people and places I've been since I've been back.  And then I remember how difficult, if not impossible it will be for him to ever get to Oregon.  Mostly thanks to the current US immigration laws that really do try to keep every Latino out, even for a visit.  It makes me sick.  OPEN THE EFFEN BOARDERS!  America is melting pot for kitties sake!  But enough of my political views.

I've been frustrated and confused and irritated and sad with my prospects for the future.  And as of last week I only had plans through the 16th of July and after that I had nothing to even think about.  I'm now booked through Labor day with this and that.  Today I found out some bad financial news, that will make a huge impact on if I can actually keep this house or let the bank have it.  But I also got a call from the gallery and wine bar in Vancouver that has my Julia painting and it sold!  And she wants another one to replace it.  I was also told by my great friend that I can have another buddy pass to fly for cheap if I want to go back!  So I guess the good news out weighs the bad. 

If I believed in signs I'd most likely think that I should go back.  I am more motivated than ever(or at least earlier today) to paint and practice my terrible Espanol.  Plus I hate being cold.

Home on the Range

It's Saturday and I've been home for 3 whole days.  I'm still trying to adjust.  Trying to reorganize my room as I have moved from the garage into a bedroom here.  I've had to go through all my clothes as they don't fit.  Things are still a disaster.  I've been nauseated and had stomach pain since Thursday.  I've self diagnosed myself with an exotic parasite, pregnancy, kidney infection and a colon blockage.  The current diagnosis is dehydration and stress.

I have no idea what to do next.  Aside from cleaning up this room, the house and the cat puke.  I've talked to Coco at least once a day.  He says he can't believe how much he misses me.  Just when I think I shouldn't go back I think about him and can't stand the thought of never seeing him again.

Now before you say "Why doesn't he just come here" let me tell you it's not that simple.  For a couple reasons.  1. It's almost impossible for Latinos to get a visitor visa not to mention a work visa, and he would need to work if he was here very long.  2.  He has a child support situation that requires him to pay one year upfront before he can consider leaving the country.

He lived in Chicago for a while in his early 20's and had no problem getting all the necessary visas.  But times have changed.  They have to pay around $150 to even apply for the visa, go to San Jose for an interview with no guarantee of receiving it.

So I'm left with the travel bag.  But of course I don't mind going back.  But there are logistics involved with the house, the cats and of course the lack of cashola.

So hear I sit in bed this weird Saturday wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life.  I guess I'll start by trying to get rid of the headache and stomach pain. And maybe look at something cute like bunnies and kitties.  

The Art of Sleep

The small commuter airport for Sansa airline is right next door to SJO which really isn't that large of an airport.  I rolled my big bag down the street and up the side walk.  Paid my exit tax checked my bag. I had to take my empty big back pack out of the suite case so it was under 50lbs. I now had an empty back pack as my second carry one.  No big deal.  I even had time for a nasty sandwich and a beer.  Hair of the dog hangover cure. Didn't help my heartache though. 

I was upgraded to business class which was a nice surprise for flying standby.  I watched some HBO and other TV and didn't really sleep.  I guess I was too sad.  I ate a snack and drank tomato juice.

I had to fill out the customs and immigration form that always needs filled out when arriving a new country or returning to the good old United States of America.   I forgot about these questions! "11.I am bringing... d. Soil or have been on a farm/ranch/pasture:  yes or no"    "12.  I have(we have) been in close proximity of (such as touching or handling) livestock: yes or no"   Opps.  I don't know if you've ever been to secondary screening, but it's not pleasant.  They are rude and treat you like a criminal.  I opted to answer NO!  Hell no, I wasn't anywhere near a farm, pasture or livestock.  (if you want to hear my 8lb Parmesan cheese story when I returned for Italy just let me know)

Made it through customs and immigration no problem.  No anal searches or bag searches.  The food/drug dog sniffed at me a couple times and the rude beagle even jumped up and put his front feet on my back to smell my backpack.

I ate a Checkers hamburger, fries and 2 large coca-colas which was a mistake and I was crappy my guts out two hours later.  It was probably for the best that I didn't get on the stand by flight to SLC.  I was to stay the night with my friend in Salt Lake and catch the morning flight to PDX.  Instead I slept in the Atlanta airport.  Well, sleep is a relative term.  I slept some in between people walking by, cleaning people dusting and cleaning people vacuuming.  So many 2.5 hours total, curdled up with my backpack and borrowed red Delta blankets. 

I miraculously got on the first flight to PDX and was home by noon.  Thank you Christine for picking up this heartbroken zombie of a traveler!  My bad had a nice trip to SLC without me and I was able to pick it up that night.  Homeland security had searched it again, repacking it like a monkey might.  Breaking my iphone charger and basically making a mess of things.  Thankfully my easel didn't break. 

This One Wild & Precious Life

 'Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?'
-Mary Oliver
"The Summer Day"


(Mostly)Transcribed directly from my written journal with some details and info so it makes sense to someone other than myself.

June 18th 2012

This is what a drunk wake up looks like

On a plane from Puerto Jimenez to San Jose with 9 other gringos.  Oh how I hate hearing English & the stupid things tourists say.  This morning I woke up at 7:38 with a start!  We went to sleep after 3am.  Took 2 shots of rum and was at the airport by 8:15.  I had to stop by Williams on the way to get the last of my mail. My birthday mail and he basically mauled me while Coco and the farm owner lawyer were waiting in the car for me.  He honestly thought this entire time I'd come back to him.  He had told me the night before that the two woman who told me about his lying and cheating had lied and ruined his life.  I felt sorry for him.

My luggage weighed 53.85 there was a $16 over weight fee I gave them a $20 and didn't get my change.  Typical.  I had everything in the beige suite case, including my now empty large back pack.  I left all my ruined, too large clothes, and ones I hated behind.  I weighed 135 with my clothes and shoes on.  I weight 130 when I graduated high school.  I was shocked.  At the airport Coco bought us 2 pipas frias (fresh cold coconuts to drink) and a coca-cola to help with what would soon be a hangover. 

Airport.  Yikes, I had 3 hours of sleep, drunk & crying already

Coco walked me to the outside gate at the small airport where we drunkenly said good bye and that we'd miss each other and that I'd be back soon.  Kissed and I turned and walked away.  I didn't look back.  I couldn't as I knew I'd totally loose it.  We taxied down the run way to turn around to take off, but by the time the plane got back to where Coco had been I didn't see him.  I cried 1/2 the way to San Jose.  A one hour plane ride.

Written on the plane(Keep in mind I was still drunkish):

I still don't know if Coco really loves me but how could he not?  With all the BS we both put up with?  I love his smell. and his smile. So much laughing together about stupid stuff. I am going to me him so much.  Crying again.  Raw emotion.  Cut open like the coconut I drank.  I don't know why my wall wont rebuild. Why after a year of feeling I can't shut it down?  I told Coco I don't want to end up alone.  I used to think that was my dream.  A small house, kitties, garden, alone.  But I really want someone to share with. Someone to take car of and to take care of me.  If nothing else, & inspire of the craziness we had we always took care of each other even when angry. 

I don't know if I will or if I can come back to CR. to PJ. But i want to.  There is something about the heat, sweat, water, ocean, crazy wild 1950's frontier attitude that calls to me. 

I've really only been in love a few times. (and to clarify I was not in love with William) And I know it can be temporary. But will I find another person that I look at the same way.  That makes me laugh & smile even mid crazy booze binge?  I have issues about certain things, that is for sure, so if I had only 2 episodes in 4 months, that's pretty good.  The therapy must be working. ha.  I have 3 letters to read.  Read William his card from my Gram this morning, she thanked him for delivering my mail.

So glad I did all the packing last night!  I'm regretting not turning to wave and or blow a kiss but he hates crying & I was drunk.  but still we said we love you to each other and that I will come back.

Still on Sansa Plane.  Just read my bday cards and am crying again.  Follow you heart & not what others say.  recurring theme.  Costa Rica is crazy and strange and beautiful and full of things I can't understand and expensive and full of liars.  and I love it.

The shots, pipas and coca-cola are wearing off and I feel a bit sick.  I hope I don't puke and make it to my next flight no problemo.  If/when I return I will need mas Espanol. I need a plan for cash and Spanish.  Damn this hangover headache!  I'm sure the other American look at me as if I'm a freak.  Or a tweaker, as that's how I feel today.  And I honestly don't give a shit.  I farted and it stunk like crazy.  and i don't care at all.  These other Americans have no idea what I've been thought.  As they lounged in their resorts speaking only to other English speakers living their resort vacation lives.  I was really living the pure life.  Pura Vida with doesn't translate how we think pura vida.  Live now.  Live in the now.  Not in the past .  Not yesterday not tomorrow.  Play all for nothing.  Live in the now.  Solamente for the today & tomorrows another day. Tomorrows another day.  Forgive, forget, and live for the moment.

My ears are plugging as we descend to SJO.  My heart breaks but is happy to have lived all the things. Good and bad.  I lived it.  I lived it.  I will keep living it today. Now.

Postcards from the Past

Front of post card

To: Serena Van Vranken
Portland Oregon USA
Post date: 09.15.2008
Muchen (Munich Germany)

Sitting in this pavilion across from te cello player in the center of a garden in the middle of Munich.  I feel so lucky, so inspired, so alive - where to now? I wonder.  I dream.  My heart lays exposed. Layers of calluses are gone.  It's painful to return.  If i do anything else but live fully after this I will be amazed & ashamed of myself.

Yours Truly,
Serena


I guess it's always hard for this gypsy heart to return home.

Actual post card - spelling errors and all.  :)

June 13th, my 23rd Birthday

The neighbor sent us some nice cheese and Coco made me surprise empanadas from scratch. 
We later went to town and had a couple beers with Coco's bro, bought some rum and came back to the house to celebrate.  I neglected to eat dinner and was blacked out shortly after returning to the house.  I can't drink rum.  But that's what everyone drinks here.  Anyway I hear I had a good time.  Mario told me I'm welcome here anytime, this farm is my home.  And he gave me the little machete i like to carry.  Hopefully it makes it home with me.  I will also return to my slow drinking habits when I get home. 

Memories of June 14th 2012

Not for the faint at heart or vegans.   Note: I was not pleasantly surprised to find photos and video this morning of the following account.

So the thing about waking up drunk is that there is time to ward off the hang over by continuing to drink.  But then if you aren't careful you are looking at a 2 - three day bender.  Not pretty.  But that's not really what this post is about.  Thursday morning I woke up to the sound of the english rock station blaring due to Coco's bro Abraham turning it on and laughing.  Nothing like a little Kiss & their "rock & Roll all Night" to roll you out of bed to drunkenly feed the squawking birds.  I won a 500 colonies ($1) bet from abraham tho for feeding the birds, but didn't win his silver necklace since I wasn't up by 5:30 am.

Pre cutting

So all of us are up for some reason, Mario(the farm owner) is in his grey tighty underwear chasing the bull.  Next Coco joins him.  Apparently Mario while still drunk and with no sleep has decided that the bull is too much trouble with his balls.  Running away to the next heard all the time, and earlier this week he even brought them home!  4 cows, a baby and the bull from the next farm came home with him for what I can only guess would be a cow sex party.

As the morning proceeds, Abraham and I are on the deck watching the crazy ass Mario chase the bull in his undies with Coco's assistance.  The next thing we know, the bull is tied on the ground, the knife sharpener and knife in hand and Mario is removing the bulls balls.  Then I'm being beckoned to bring the coffee to stop the bleeding.  But since I didn't know anything about coffee and bull balls, I brought the pot of coffee.  I am running back and forth in the field with the coffee pot, then the dry coffee, then the purple stuff to stop infection, and the dog to help lick the wound to stop the bleeding.  The bull finally had enough and fought his way up, squishing Coco's hand in the rope, as Coco was sitting on top of the bulls side trying to hold him down while Mario literally sliced off the balls. 

Then I've been handed the balls to carry back to the house with the bloody dog.  I'm not sure why this happened or why I was able to do this.  Thank you rum that was still in my system.  The bull went off to think about his new ball-less life.  Appearing only to be a little sad and confused.  I'm sure there was pain involved but not enough for him to make much noise or passout or put up much of a fight really.

After bringing all the crazy things back to the house I took Osa the dog to the river to wash off the blood.  There I decided to attempt the cold water soaking out the booze therapy and sat in the river.  Mario shortly joined me blood covered and still in his ridiculous underwear.  We talked of farms and land.  Shortly joined by Coco.  The three of us fully clothed laying in the cold river.  Abraham walked down but apparently doesn't know about the cold water therapy.  Which may not actually work but does take away the booze hot red burning that sometimes happens the next day.  The we made it back to the house dripping wet. 

Mario makes the best pinto!  When he comes to stay he cooks for us and it's always REALLY good.  Sadly this morning the meat in the pinto (pinto is rice and beans from the day before fried up with veggies and meat) was fresh cow balls.  Of course being the token Gringa of the house and the only one visibly freaked out by the mornings situation, I was served breaky (back in bed) first.  The pinto was delicious but I only ate two bites of the balls.  The first bite to a. be polite and say that I tried it, and b.  the second bite to confirm I did not like it.  Tasted and had the texture of liver which makes me sick to think about. 

Then in typical next morning Coco form we went to the bar to have a couple beers at 11am to take off the rest of the hangover.  Hair of the dog really does work(especially when the beer is rimmed with salt and limon.  they don't have lemons here.  Limons and limes is all I have found)  , unless you continue to drink.  In this case you repeat the next morning, hence the 2 - 3 day binge. 

Ah, what a way to start my 23rd year of life!  ;)

The bull appears to be fine, though slightly embarrassed. 


Kiss - Rock and Roll All Nite

You show us everything you've got
You keep on dancin' and the room gets hot
You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
You say you wanna go for a spin
The party's just begun, we'll let you in
You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
You keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'

(Chorus)
I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day
I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day
I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day
I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day

You keep on saying you'll be mine for a while
You're lookin' fancy and I like your style
You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
You show us everything you've got
Baby, baby that's quite a lot
And you drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy
You keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin'

Friday on the Farm

Today I:
did laundry
cleaned and made beans(the beans we have come straight from the field so you have to pick out the bad ones and the rocks and sticks before cooking)
made left over pasta fritata for breaky
sat in the sun for a few mins
fed pigs, cows and birds
thought
talked
laughed

A Few of my Favorite Things

The things I'm looking forward to:
Clean fingernails.
Not building a fire every day to cook, sometimes 3 times a day.
Hot water when I want it.
No dark brown/grey and black outs.
Unlimited internet and electricity.
Cheap beer.
Larger variety of food when wanted.

And really those things (except for the fingernails) aren't that bad.  The lack of hot water is hard when you want to shower and night or in the am.  So I shower mid day when the pipe is warmed by the sun and then quickly rinse the other times during the day!  And honestly I have nothing really to complain about, just the little things i took for granted my entire life.

i have photos and other posts to post, but might have to wait until i return to get to them!  oh well!
and now a little sunshine and warmish mid day shower! 

I should also add, that I will be happy not to have various bugs crawling on me in the night, biting and waking me up!  Or at least I hope I won't have that when I return!  :)

The Final Countdown

10 days until my return to “reality”.  But as I recently said in an email to some friends, at this point I don’t know what reality is.  I’ve mentioned before that I feel I’ve been living someone else’s life.  Not an Portland life, that is for sure.  The things that are different here range from beliefs, customs, attitudes, food handling, animal treatment, woman’s roles and rights, etc. etc.  and even though many of the people I have met speak English and have been exposed to America and Americans the underlying differences surface quite quickly at times.  But that’s not what I’m writing about now.  

I am filled with anxiety about my return.  My friends and families lives have continued on without me.  And though I’ve only been gone for about 4 months I haven’t had much news from home and I know that many things can happen in 4 months.  I’m also filled with uncertainty about what I want to do from here.  Work, money, houses, cars, pets and even bicycle decisions feel very pressing.  

However, there is part of me that thinks I’ll just enjoy summer and worry about that other stuff later!  Pura Vida!  Tomorrow is another day.  Even though that's what I've been doing for the last 1.5 years since my layoff.  If I've leaned anything at all in my time here it's that sitting in an office will be very a difficult life for me to return to.  

In farm news: 

The cheese making continues

The pigs ate the male duck

2 hens are broody sitting on no eggs - cold baths for them

3 bun buns are doing well!  

My chigger battle is futile, and I'm once again covered with them!  They itch like EmEffers!  

I hesitate to tell this one, but I encountered my first snake here in Costa Rica this week.  The other night Coco and I walked to the neighbors to take them some food and visit.  We both had flashlights and were looking for the Fer-de-Lance (Bothrops asper)Spanish Name: Terciopelo-  Most people don't survive the bites of these.  And the small ones are worse because they can't or don't control the amount of venom that comes out when they bite.  However, since I've never seen one, I only know that they are hard to spot and blend in.  They don't run like most snakes but will attack right away.  In a Costa Rican snake miracle I step right on it's head!  and didn't even know it until Coco was yelling and chopping it up with the machete!  He was in shock and awe that I wasn't biten.  He saw it right when I stepped on it, not enough time to warm me.  It really did blend in to the dirt road.  If I would have been biten, and actually made it to the hospital in San Jose or Golfito, I would have probably been hospitalized for a long time while they tried to stop the spread of the damage.  Some people loose their legs or have to have many skin grafts from other parts of the body.  Needless to say, my walking anywhere at night is probably not going to happen again.  :) 

To answer some much asked questions:

Yes Coco is my boyfriend.  No, I don't know if we will ever see each other again.  Yes this is breaking my heart.  No, I am not painting.  No, I am not an alcoholic, still a binge drinker with maybe more binges.  :)  But in the last 2.5 weeks we've only drank a couple of times.  Yes, I'm excited to see people at home, but no, I'm not really looking forward to returning.  No, I don't have any idea what I'll do when I get there!  

That's it for now.  The solar panel situation is still not good so my power supple on this computer is VERY limited!  

Love and bunnies nose kisses,

Serena

 

 

Crazy for Mangos!

Yesterday on my way back from buying a few things from the pulperia (small local store) I stopped and gathered a crap ton of mangos!  The walk to the store takes about 30mins at a medium pace.  And about a quarter way there are two huge mango trees and no one else seems to care about them.  I made mango juice, beans, rice and pico de gallo yesterday, while Coco was clearing the property.  

Today we got up at 5:30.  I fed the birds and Bunnies.  I have 3 baby buns left and they are doing pretty well.  They only drink a little milk for dinner and are eating grass, fruit and some rabbit pellet food.  They keep escaping at night so I think
tonight I won't lock them in.  

Today we are fixing the fence again.  And I'm hoping
to do a bit of painting before dark! 

This is my outfit more often then not.  Tho I usually carry the smaller machete when I need to carry one.  This skirt has been the most worn item I brought.  I think I'll make some from this as a pattern when I get home!

Architectural (In)diges(tion)

I can't believe I don't have a better before picture! 

After mentioning how much better the kitchen could be if I could see out etc. etc. etc. Coco finally said, ok let's do it!  So we did!

The roof slanted all the way down to the sink counter area so it got really hot fast with the fire and the sun.  There was also no way to see out from here! We had to finish in one day, which we did.  It actually only took us about 5 hours including cutting all the wood we needed.  It was a lot of fun and the farm owner showed up right when we finished.  He was shocked and happy! 

We cut boards out of these planks with the crazy little saw for cutting limbs off trees!

During!

After!

After!

Backlogged

May 11^th 2012

We decided to walk to the pulperia(small local store) but I didn’t know how far away it was.  My tennis shoes were wet, coco told me I shouldn’t wear my flip flops, so I decided to try my Keen water shoes.  I haven’t worn them for probably 3 years but assumed they’d be fine.  I brought a blister thing just in case.  We have to cross 3 streams to get on to the main road.  Arrived at the poperia no problem, purchased the items we came for, including 2 ice cold real sugar coca-colas.  We drank our cokes on the bench, then decided to keep walking to the local bar for a beer.  Half way to the bar a blister erupted.  No prob, I put on my blister band aid thing.  On the way t the bar Coco helped an old man get his truck out of the ditch.  Then later as we were still walking he gave us a ride in the back of the truck.  It was now pouring rain and we only had small plastic bags to keep our phones dry.  He picked us up and dropped us at the closest bar but wanted us to join him for a beer in La Palma, the closest town to us.  No, Coco said, because the walk back is too far.  Had two beers but the bar tendress was terrible so we left.  We also had Poco Yo the dog with us.  But we decided to keep walking toward La palma for a better bar.  It’s pouring rain, we are soaking wet trying to hitch hike with a wet dog!  I also had on a white t-shirt that was not hiding ANYTHING.  Coco made me put his t-tshirt on over my tank top.  So now we are trying to hitchhike and he looks like a crazy tattooed skinny thug.  We finally got a ride by some creepy younger guy.  We walked in to the local La Palma bar and the 4 permanently installed drunks instantly became my friends.  Wanted to know if I was cold, should they turn the fans off etc.  it was funny.   We had some soup and a beer and left.  It was indeed a long wet painful walk back, but did get a ride part way.   But all in all a fun stupid crazy day.  Though my feet were NOT happy.    

May 12^th 2012

Today I started waking up around 5am.  I got up at 6 & came downstairs.  I discovered Osa the puppy had gotten into the house and into the bathroom toilet paper bin.  Side note:  In Costa Rica you do not flush toilet paper, it goes in the trash bin.  This takes a while to get used to.   There was used toilet paper all over.  I was instantly crabby!  We are trying to keep all the animals out of the house, dogs included.  The baby chickens are tough to keep out & the small puppy.  Martina the duck comes in at will when the door is open.  This is difficult since the house is pretty much open, or al least has openings large enough for birds and the small puppy to come in.  Anyway, I fed the poultry & started the fire for cooking using diesel & a plastic bag today.  I find this practice extremely gross.  I’m highly adverse to burning plastic but given everything is damp here the normal twigs, paper & materials just don’t work, or it takes way to long.  I made pancakes & the neighbor Nanu arrived to help Coco with the milking.  I cleaned the bedroom floor, did the dishes, did the laundry & hung it to dry.  Coco made lunch around 1pm.  Left over rice, beans and a can of tuna with veggies.  

May12th Later in the day - This is taken directly from my hand written journal no editing

Today I found out that the owner of the farm shot his girlfriend.  It’s slightly more complicated in that she had the gun and pointing it at him but wouldn’t shoot, so he took it , shot it but didn’t hi her with a bullet but did hit her with the butt og the gun.  The worst part is, this is not shocking here in CR.  This is somewhat steryotyping but everyone here is a cheater.  And almost everyone here seems to be crazy jealous.  Well, as you know jealousy comes from being insecure & since you know your bf or gf is most likely cheating you get jealous.  For the woman, they don’t blame their man, the blame the other woman!  It’s never their bf/husbands fault, the the “party” or the other woman.  But it doesn’t worth that when when roles are reversed, it seems that the man & woman are to blame when the woman is cheating. 

(update on this situation:  Mario and the gf talk daily and he is planning on going to live with her in another part of CR.  I don’t think the gun was actually fired, though she did have a bruise on her arm and a bump on her head.  I don’t really know what happened.  Probably only the two of them will ever know the entire story)  

5pm May 12^th   Direct from journal no proofing. 

& then it hit me.  Maybe I’m home sick?  But isn’t it hard to be homesick with monkey howling & flock of small green parrots flying overhead?  Seems unlikely, but why do I feel so crabby & irritable.  Frustrated with CR & the way things happen here. Frustrated at things I allowed to happen here.  More likely that’s it.  I’m feeling like I should just go home.  What’s really keeping me here?  Mostly Coco I’d guess.  & not so much by his doing but mine.  For the love of kitties I don’t understand why I will have this romantic vision of love. Or of what my lover should look like or be like.  But in reality is this the best choice?  And why did I get so lonely?  And I can’t even effen paint.  What the hell.  I came here to paint & learn Spanish.  & what have I really done?  A whole lot of drinking & wasting money I should have not wasted. 

May 13^th

Went to PJ for the booze & some supplies w Mario(the farm owner).  He got a phone call & had to go to his house.  4 cops and & ex GF came to get her stuff.  It was stressful to be there.  She was upset ect.  Came home and had a few drinks, Mario stayed over and he and Coco kept drinking. 

May 14^th

Got up & started drinking.  Coco’s friend brought us more booze for a large fee. Went swimming & had fun at the little fake bar area by the stream.  Started raining & we came back to the house. That’s when I blacked out.  Vague recollection of getting mad at Coco for something I’m sure was Dwayne related.  Other terrible things occurred that shouldn’t have.  That made me realize how much more therapy I need revolving around my 11 year disastrous marriage and that I really should not drink so much. 

May 15^th

Day of sadness and reflection.  Coco made me a really nice fish lunch.  

May 16th

While feeding my 6 baby bunnies out in the bunny shed I glanced behind me and to my shock and dismay a very small white bunny crawled out fo the hole!  Later four little tiny things came out.  The mom had been dead 3 days & they much have smelled the milk.  I didn’t know they were the same  mom’s so I thought we’d blocked out the other bunny on the property.   Later we caught it to see, but no nipples.  The mom rabbit did indeed have 2 litters.  I was only able to feed the smallest of the 4. 

May 17^th

We rescued all 4 baby bunnies. Coco had to break up concrete to get all the way in the hole.  Fed them but they are so small.  I only have whole cow milk to feed them. 

May 18^th

The smallest baby bunny died in the night.

May 19^th

Feeling sad & lonely. Coco is constantly using hi phone for internet and texting.  It gives m even more anxiety about feel alone so I have retreated further away physically and mentally which gives me even more anxiety about talking about things.

May 20^th

Gill, who is staying with Nanu, made soup.  Went to La Palma.  Gray baby bunny stopped eating around 1pm.  Rooster had to be killed.  He couldn’t walk anymore.  Had a bone disease. 

May 21^st

Coco was talking to his son and the Jamie the mom while I was on the phone with Christine.  When I came downstairs Coco was crying and talking about Jamie being the love of his life.  He was drunk and sometimes I’m not sure what is what when he drunk rambles.  He told me their entire love story and it was a good one!  Made me wonder if I’ve ever been someones “love of their life”.  Maybe Jans but it’s hard telling now. 

May 22^nd

Woke up to find Sunny, my favorite bunny had died.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I felt so sad & lonely.  Nothing worse than feeling lonely when you supposedly have a bf.  But hugging is not common here at all.  People here are hard towards death, it’s a farm animals die.  (skipping a bunch of rambling personal feeling crap here )  Coco and I decided to try really hard for the next 3 weeks to treat each other better and to keep the crazy under control.  Neither of us wants to remember our last bit together fighting and not understanding each other.   

I let the big bunnies outside for a while.  I felt sad sunny didn’t get to go out and eat grass.  She loved apples and spinach!  The little baby white bunny had diarrhea.  I gave them some grass in the box and they ate it. 

May 23^rd

Got up at 6:15 fed birds, bnnies & dogs. Coco made breaky around 9.  Big bunnies are outside.  Taking little buns out for a little bite of grass.  Later-  The little buns loved the outside, hoping and eating.  But then later the two white ones got sick & died.  It was like they were poisoned.  I can only imagine that they ate something they shouldn’t have, or the cow milk didn’t provide the proper enzymes to digest what they ate.  They were probably only a week or less old when the mom died.  Not enough of her milk.  The grey one is acting funny but ate his dinner.  The older bunnies were out most of the day, but one b&w didn’t return.  I’m not cut out for all this death.  One of the small bunnies was still alive but ants were in her eyes and she was only sort of breathing.  I wanted to stop her suffering but didn’t know how to kill her.  I wrapped them both in their newspaper and put them in the river.  I feel really horrible & feel like I did something wrong so they died.  Grey bunny was dead by morning.  He also had a river funeral in a newspaper boat.   I thought of the Vikings, though I think they are sent to sea on fire. 

May 24^th

Woke up this morning to a dead bunny inside the bunny house.  I woke Coco up and he came out right away when I told him what it looked like.  The bunny had a bite on it’s leg, bloated and eyes open and white.  Sounds like a snake bite.  Coco looked all around inside the bunny house for a snake, but only found a nasty spider.  He was the last one to come in last night but was eating dinner when I shut the door.  It’s possible he had just gotten bit before he came in.  Or that the snake somehow left the house.  This was the first bunny I held and fed.  Made me very sad.  Another trip to the river, another Viking funeral.

May 29^th

I’m having a hard time knowing what to edit out.  I might not be able to verbalize and discuss my feelings but I’m not a very private person when it comes to other things.   But I wonder how much is too much info here on the internets.  I guess I’ll save the real dirt for the book!  :

 I’ve been catching up on this blog and coco is cleaning the property with a weed eater. 

I have 3 bunnies left.  They come to me when I call them but don’t really like to be held unless I’m giving them food. 

I feel like the last 3 days I’ve been eating way too much.  Though I really doubt that is going to help my flat ass any. Hahaha