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May 11^th 2012

We decided to walk to the pulperia(small local store) but I didn’t know how far away it was.  My tennis shoes were wet, coco told me I shouldn’t wear my flip flops, so I decided to try my Keen water shoes.  I haven’t worn them for probably 3 years but assumed they’d be fine.  I brought a blister thing just in case.  We have to cross 3 streams to get on to the main road.  Arrived at the poperia no problem, purchased the items we came for, including 2 ice cold real sugar coca-colas.  We drank our cokes on the bench, then decided to keep walking to the local bar for a beer.  Half way to the bar a blister erupted.  No prob, I put on my blister band aid thing.  On the way t the bar Coco helped an old man get his truck out of the ditch.  Then later as we were still walking he gave us a ride in the back of the truck.  It was now pouring rain and we only had small plastic bags to keep our phones dry.  He picked us up and dropped us at the closest bar but wanted us to join him for a beer in La Palma, the closest town to us.  No, Coco said, because the walk back is too far.  Had two beers but the bar tendress was terrible so we left.  We also had Poco Yo the dog with us.  But we decided to keep walking toward La palma for a better bar.  It’s pouring rain, we are soaking wet trying to hitch hike with a wet dog!  I also had on a white t-shirt that was not hiding ANYTHING.  Coco made me put his t-tshirt on over my tank top.  So now we are trying to hitchhike and he looks like a crazy tattooed skinny thug.  We finally got a ride by some creepy younger guy.  We walked in to the local La Palma bar and the 4 permanently installed drunks instantly became my friends.  Wanted to know if I was cold, should they turn the fans off etc.  it was funny.   We had some soup and a beer and left.  It was indeed a long wet painful walk back, but did get a ride part way.   But all in all a fun stupid crazy day.  Though my feet were NOT happy.    

May 12^th 2012

Today I started waking up around 5am.  I got up at 6 & came downstairs.  I discovered Osa the puppy had gotten into the house and into the bathroom toilet paper bin.  Side note:  In Costa Rica you do not flush toilet paper, it goes in the trash bin.  This takes a while to get used to.   There was used toilet paper all over.  I was instantly crabby!  We are trying to keep all the animals out of the house, dogs included.  The baby chickens are tough to keep out & the small puppy.  Martina the duck comes in at will when the door is open.  This is difficult since the house is pretty much open, or al least has openings large enough for birds and the small puppy to come in.  Anyway, I fed the poultry & started the fire for cooking using diesel & a plastic bag today.  I find this practice extremely gross.  I’m highly adverse to burning plastic but given everything is damp here the normal twigs, paper & materials just don’t work, or it takes way to long.  I made pancakes & the neighbor Nanu arrived to help Coco with the milking.  I cleaned the bedroom floor, did the dishes, did the laundry & hung it to dry.  Coco made lunch around 1pm.  Left over rice, beans and a can of tuna with veggies.  

May12th Later in the day - This is taken directly from my hand written journal no editing

Today I found out that the owner of the farm shot his girlfriend.  It’s slightly more complicated in that she had the gun and pointing it at him but wouldn’t shoot, so he took it , shot it but didn’t hi her with a bullet but did hit her with the butt og the gun.  The worst part is, this is not shocking here in CR.  This is somewhat steryotyping but everyone here is a cheater.  And almost everyone here seems to be crazy jealous.  Well, as you know jealousy comes from being insecure & since you know your bf or gf is most likely cheating you get jealous.  For the woman, they don’t blame their man, the blame the other woman!  It’s never their bf/husbands fault, the the “party” or the other woman.  But it doesn’t worth that when when roles are reversed, it seems that the man & woman are to blame when the woman is cheating. 

(update on this situation:  Mario and the gf talk daily and he is planning on going to live with her in another part of CR.  I don’t think the gun was actually fired, though she did have a bruise on her arm and a bump on her head.  I don’t really know what happened.  Probably only the two of them will ever know the entire story)  

5pm May 12^th   Direct from journal no proofing. 

& then it hit me.  Maybe I’m home sick?  But isn’t it hard to be homesick with monkey howling & flock of small green parrots flying overhead?  Seems unlikely, but why do I feel so crabby & irritable.  Frustrated with CR & the way things happen here. Frustrated at things I allowed to happen here.  More likely that’s it.  I’m feeling like I should just go home.  What’s really keeping me here?  Mostly Coco I’d guess.  & not so much by his doing but mine.  For the love of kitties I don’t understand why I will have this romantic vision of love. Or of what my lover should look like or be like.  But in reality is this the best choice?  And why did I get so lonely?  And I can’t even effen paint.  What the hell.  I came here to paint & learn Spanish.  & what have I really done?  A whole lot of drinking & wasting money I should have not wasted. 

May 13^th

Went to PJ for the booze & some supplies w Mario(the farm owner).  He got a phone call & had to go to his house.  4 cops and & ex GF came to get her stuff.  It was stressful to be there.  She was upset ect.  Came home and had a few drinks, Mario stayed over and he and Coco kept drinking. 

May 14^th

Got up & started drinking.  Coco’s friend brought us more booze for a large fee. Went swimming & had fun at the little fake bar area by the stream.  Started raining & we came back to the house. That’s when I blacked out.  Vague recollection of getting mad at Coco for something I’m sure was Dwayne related.  Other terrible things occurred that shouldn’t have.  That made me realize how much more therapy I need revolving around my 11 year disastrous marriage and that I really should not drink so much. 

May 15^th

Day of sadness and reflection.  Coco made me a really nice fish lunch.  

May 16th

While feeding my 6 baby bunnies out in the bunny shed I glanced behind me and to my shock and dismay a very small white bunny crawled out fo the hole!  Later four little tiny things came out.  The mom had been dead 3 days & they much have smelled the milk.  I didn’t know they were the same  mom’s so I thought we’d blocked out the other bunny on the property.   Later we caught it to see, but no nipples.  The mom rabbit did indeed have 2 litters.  I was only able to feed the smallest of the 4. 

May 17^th

We rescued all 4 baby bunnies. Coco had to break up concrete to get all the way in the hole.  Fed them but they are so small.  I only have whole cow milk to feed them. 

May 18^th

The smallest baby bunny died in the night.

May 19^th

Feeling sad & lonely. Coco is constantly using hi phone for internet and texting.  It gives m even more anxiety about feel alone so I have retreated further away physically and mentally which gives me even more anxiety about talking about things.

May 20^th

Gill, who is staying with Nanu, made soup.  Went to La Palma.  Gray baby bunny stopped eating around 1pm.  Rooster had to be killed.  He couldn’t walk anymore.  Had a bone disease. 

May 21^st

Coco was talking to his son and the Jamie the mom while I was on the phone with Christine.  When I came downstairs Coco was crying and talking about Jamie being the love of his life.  He was drunk and sometimes I’m not sure what is what when he drunk rambles.  He told me their entire love story and it was a good one!  Made me wonder if I’ve ever been someones “love of their life”.  Maybe Jans but it’s hard telling now. 

May 22^nd

Woke up to find Sunny, my favorite bunny had died.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I felt so sad & lonely.  Nothing worse than feeling lonely when you supposedly have a bf.  But hugging is not common here at all.  People here are hard towards death, it’s a farm animals die.  (skipping a bunch of rambling personal feeling crap here )  Coco and I decided to try really hard for the next 3 weeks to treat each other better and to keep the crazy under control.  Neither of us wants to remember our last bit together fighting and not understanding each other.   

I let the big bunnies outside for a while.  I felt sad sunny didn’t get to go out and eat grass.  She loved apples and spinach!  The little baby white bunny had diarrhea.  I gave them some grass in the box and they ate it. 

May 23^rd

Got up at 6:15 fed birds, bnnies & dogs. Coco made breaky around 9.  Big bunnies are outside.  Taking little buns out for a little bite of grass.  Later-  The little buns loved the outside, hoping and eating.  But then later the two white ones got sick & died.  It was like they were poisoned.  I can only imagine that they ate something they shouldn’t have, or the cow milk didn’t provide the proper enzymes to digest what they ate.  They were probably only a week or less old when the mom died.  Not enough of her milk.  The grey one is acting funny but ate his dinner.  The older bunnies were out most of the day, but one b&w didn’t return.  I’m not cut out for all this death.  One of the small bunnies was still alive but ants were in her eyes and she was only sort of breathing.  I wanted to stop her suffering but didn’t know how to kill her.  I wrapped them both in their newspaper and put them in the river.  I feel really horrible & feel like I did something wrong so they died.  Grey bunny was dead by morning.  He also had a river funeral in a newspaper boat.   I thought of the Vikings, though I think they are sent to sea on fire. 

May 24^th

Woke up this morning to a dead bunny inside the bunny house.  I woke Coco up and he came out right away when I told him what it looked like.  The bunny had a bite on it’s leg, bloated and eyes open and white.  Sounds like a snake bite.  Coco looked all around inside the bunny house for a snake, but only found a nasty spider.  He was the last one to come in last night but was eating dinner when I shut the door.  It’s possible he had just gotten bit before he came in.  Or that the snake somehow left the house.  This was the first bunny I held and fed.  Made me very sad.  Another trip to the river, another Viking funeral.

May 29^th

I’m having a hard time knowing what to edit out.  I might not be able to verbalize and discuss my feelings but I’m not a very private person when it comes to other things.   But I wonder how much is too much info here on the internets.  I guess I’ll save the real dirt for the book!  :

 I’ve been catching up on this blog and coco is cleaning the property with a weed eater. 

I have 3 bunnies left.  They come to me when I call them but don’t really like to be held unless I’m giving them food. 

I feel like the last 3 days I’ve been eating way too much.  Though I really doubt that is going to help my flat ass any. Hahaha