Independence Day

Independence. Freedom. Unfettered. Liberated. Autonomous.
 
A free agent if you will.  That's what I became today officially.  After a short phone call with Coco it was decided that we would be only friends.  That it is too hard to maintain a relationship when I don't know when/if I can go back and even then I couldn't really stay very long.  He can't realistically come here.  Phone calls are expensive and hard to have especially during the rainy season.  And basically neither of us know what the hell we are doing tomorrow, figuratively and literally.  Both of our futures are really up in the air and filled with uncertainty and anxiety. 

Knowing all of this still doesn't help the sadness I feel.  It's funny how some people really get to you.  Reaching places in your heart and head that not many others can ever get to.  We joked about how we were probably together in another lifetime.  Or that we will be together again in a future other lifetime. There was a connection between us that is hard to explain.  Maybe it was the heat, or the booze, but it was definitely something.  I think I mentioned this before, but something about being with Coco made me realize that even though I've spent most of my adult life fantasizing about being alone that I really don't want to end up alone.  I'm not desperate to hook up with someone, or get married, or settle for anyone just to have someone.  But it's nice to know that someone has your back, and you are there for that someone too. 

Don't get me wrong, I am really really fortunate to have a couple of amazing friends that I know I can rely on in a similar way.  I am also really glad to have spent the time I did with Coco and am happy he and I can stay friends.  But it's still really difficult right now.  Nothing in my life is stable, I feel very very lost and so unclear about everything. 

It's hard to put into words when everything you've been told and have believed for years about careers and jobs and money seems to go out the window and not make sense anymore.  Things and items seem so meaningless and pointless and a burden weighing me down.  I want to be rid of it all.  The furniture, the house, the books, the shoes, etc.  All those things that we fill our lives with, all those things we are told will make us happy.  But those things, in my case, have started to feel like they stop me from really living at times.  Those times when all I want to do is travel and see and smell and taste all things new and foreign.  To live those lives that aren't mine, but are entirely mine to live. To live my life for me. 

So now that I've rambled and cried, having made little and also much sense to myself or you, I leave you with a lyrics quote from the song that's been in my head all day long.  And in some of the weeks prior and I'm sure will be in the weeks to come.  

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -Me and Bobby McGee, best preformed by Janis Joplin of course. 

Ha. I bet you expected another "Free Bird" quote.  :)