Who's life is this anyway?

This week I woke up feeling like I’ve been living someone else’s life.  It’s hard to put into words.  But I’m here in this foreign country living a life that really isn’t mine.  Eating food that isn’t “mine”, making friends, loving, hurting, and crying all about things that really have nothing to do with my real life at home.  My real life where I am unemployed and every month wonder if I’m going to make my house payment.  Every day wondering what I should be doing with myself.  Wondering what to do with my real life.  So instead of thinking about my real life I’m creating a temporary existence that might look like a real life but at times certainly doesn’t feel real.  

I’ve always been good at not thinking about things, ignoring issues, burying things deep and hoping they don’t resurface.  It’s not the healthiest way to be, and I’ve been working on changing it.  But for now I wonder is that what I’m doing here?  Hiding from my real life, from real decisions?  I honestly don’t know.  I came here to see if I could make a life with someone and that didn’t work out.  I stayed because I had nothing better to do.  I am planning on coming back mid May or June at the latest.  In time for Oregon summer, and we better have one.  I’m looking forward to camping with friends and seeing my family and kitties.  

I’ve been unemployed for about a year and a half now, and the time has flown by.  But I’m nowhere closer to knowing what to do with myself than I was a year ago.  I haven’t looked for jobs as aggressively as I could have but my guilt over this was mostly relieved because a good friend of mine has been without the success we’d like.  Everyday sending cover letters, resumes’, filling out applications etc etc.  She has a similar design background and has more experience in some areas than I do.  I have other skills and many more years of employment than she does.  But she hasn’t had any success in finding a job.  So my guilt is relieved.  At least temporarily.  

So what’s the point of this post?  I don’t know.  Just like most other things in my life right now, I just don’t know.  I’m trying to just live each day and enjoy it, the people I know, the food, and yes, maybe too much beer.  And maybe at times I’m still living the 20’s I didn’t get to live.  I’m living an adventure that many people will never have the chance to take.  And I’m thankful for all of it.  I can only make the best of it, do the best I can with what I have, help the people around me when I can and hope it’s all worth it in the end.  And, I guess, isn’t that what real life is about?