Spare Change?

I just changed my flight!  I was scheduled to return on May 15, that's in only 9 days.  too close for comfort and I have yet to see the norther part of CR or Nicaragua.  Soooooo, that is my plan.  Not sure when I'm headed north but it will be soon.  My debit card expires the end of May so I will be unable to get cash in June.  I can't really rely on the postal service tho I could try to have it mailed to my friend at the school.  If it gets lost I'm no worse off!  :)  

Oh! My new ticket is for June 16th.  I'll turn 43 here in CR(if i don't change my mind again) and plan for my continued midlife crisis breakdown to happen in a tropical paradise of sorts. 

Missing you and wishing you were here!
xo!

Change is the Only Constant

Minutes ago I was talking about change with the director of the school. Discussing how most people can or wont change.  That without their current familiar problems to identify themselves they are left lost and unsure of who they are.  Personally I love change, or at least I think I do.  But how does change help me in the confusing situation I am in.  I'm finding myself in this place, emotionally attached to someone I probably shouldn't be for many reasons.  And I'm not blaming him for anything, I'm the only one to blame for how I feel and where I am.  This may not make much sense to you but I needed to write it. 

Yesterday I had made the official decision to stay away until late June or early July, but today I'm rethinking that. What will it do to benefit me?  Will I just continue to spend money I don't have, not paint, not learn enough Spanish and in the process develop a broken heart? Should I just cut my ties now and flee?  I wish I knew.  I also wish I knew what happened to the brick wall that used to surround my heart.  What happened to the protector part of my personality?  Did he go on vacation and decide not to come back too? 

In the mean time, here are some photos from my recent trip to Panama!

The Hostel

My New Casa in Panama

View from the Horse

Panama

On My Horse

My Horse, Colorado

Hot Spring Relaxing!

Making a Run for the Boarder!

And no, Celine, not to Taco Bell.  But the first thing I and my fellow English school friends did once we crossed the boarder was hit up the McDonalds in "City Mall"!  They use real grease here and the Coke has real sugar.  Mmmmmm...

You may have heard me talk of the boarder between Costa Rica and Panama before, but it's this crazy ass place!  You check out of Costa Rica and physically walk .25 of a mile in filth and taxis and semi trucks in direction of Panama.  There is no signage, no sidewalks, nothing to indicate what you are supposed to do!  Thankfully collectively we have done this enough that we are experts.  We know where to go, what to say, what fake documents to carry and who to talk to.  It's still a bit of a frogger game walking through all the traffic and garbage in the heat.

We were headed for Santa Catalina in Panama, then on the bus to the boarder we decided to stay our first night in Boquete, Panama. Once there we decided to stay our 4 day there as none of us wanted to get back on the bus. So here we were in a colder mountain town with our beach clothes!  Thankfully we all know how cold the Panama buses are so we had one little sweater each.

We ate, drank, danced like crazy people and generally had a great time.  We also got cheap pedicures, rode some horses and hit up the hot springs.

Yesterday we ended up at a nice pool in Golfito after crossing back over the boarder.  Photos to follow!!

ps. The reason for the boarder one is two fold, one we had a 4 day weekend off from school and we all needed to update our visas!  The Costa Rican tourist visa is for 3 months, but you simply leave the country for 72 hours and viola! you get another 3 month tourist visa!  

Love to all!
xo!!

Just to Keep You Interested!

had to cut this skirt, it was too long and hot!  yes, i used nail scissors!

golfito - VERY nice houses for the area

Golfito!

After one Cuba Libre.  hahaha

Happy and cute on the boat!

Dinner!  Snapper!

I look like I'm clenching my teeth!

hahaha 3 am comes super quickly in Costa Rica!

Day at the pool!

Cashews!!!!

downtown Golfito

my new boat! ;)

love!

My new house!  (i wish) 

i'm asleep and we haven't left yet!

Going dancing, well some of us danced! haha

April 17th 2012 thoughts from my morning

My catch from Saturday!

Today I woke up feeling tired, sad and a little lonely.  I hesitate to say I’m homesick because I’m not sure I am.  I miss my friends, family and kitties but part of me doesn’t want to go back home.   The part of me that wants to stay is afraid that if I do stay I’m just making things worse for myself when I do return.  But I have nothing planned until July.  Girls Camping Weekend is the most important thing I have to do all year. 

I woke up thinking about my friend Christine too.  She was gone for a year and I only called her twice.  I sent her a few emails and no real mail.  I see now that I should have done more to support her from here.  And I’m not saying that to make anyone feel bad or guilt them into emails.  But being far from home can be hard at times.  You make other friends but there’s no history, they don’t understand why you do things or don’t do things or react certain way to situations.   I’m struggling with these relationships that I know are temporary.  

Maybe the weight of my reality at home is hitting me?  I’m feeling very much like I should already know what I’m doing with my life.  I’m 42 for kitties sake, shouldn’t I have it figured out by now?  

This weekend I spent both days at the beach.  And yes I got a sunburn, so much for that base tan from the fall! Haha  But while at the beach I wasn’t worried about my future, sure I still didn’t know anymore than what I was doing right then but now I feel a heavy heavy weight pressing on my heart and my brain is racing to make sense of the jumble around me and at home. The problem is coming home doesn’t help me.   I’m just in safer place to be confused, discouraged and unsure.  I’m hoping my mood, like the weather here will change quickly.  I probably just need to cry a bit.   

Waiting for a Train

Freedoms just another word for nothing left to loose.  I’m sitting here studying my Spanish and listening to Janis Joplin’s Bobby McGee with the rain literally dumps outside.  Damn, that song always gets to my vagabonding gypsy heart.  If I didn’t get anything else from my dad, it was certainly my overwhelming desire to travel and see and do things.  Well, and most likely my taste for beer too.  It’s hard to explain the feeling I sometimes get, it’s so overwhelming, like every particle and cell in my body wants to flee.  To get on a bike, in a car, a van, a bus, plane.  Sometimes when I think of “home”  I think of my van, and get excited about the sink and the stove and the fridge.  other times I think of camping in the forest.  But sometimes when I think of home, I think of my nice soft comfy warm bed, and my kitties and a nice boy lying next to me.  Today I’m tore between all of those desires and feelings.  It might be time to make a spreadsheet.  When all else fails try an excel spreadsheet for a shot of logic. 

Alice, Drink Me!

This stick was too big

Flat ass but still fat!  :)

One of the best things about Costa Rica is coconut water and fresh coconut*  to drink/ eat on the beach.  But usually to get these you need a man with a machete, sometimes a man to climb the tree to get them down too.   Or so I thought.  Saturday the other woman from the school and I rode our bikes to the beach.  We first stopped by one of the resorts to talk to the manager.  We now have permission to use the pool whenever we want.  So we did.  But didn’t stay long as we wanted to eat our picnic & fruit we brought.  We left the resort and started walking down the beach.  We came upon a makeshift shelter and had planned on eating there until 2 dogs ran up and peed on it.  But the previous occupants had left a perfectly good coconut behind.  It was the perfect size and I could hear the water inside.  Score!  Now I just needed to open it!  

So I’ve seen Coco, and William both open the older coconuts before.  And I was there when Sean got his step by step lesson.  So I gave it a shot!  After about 20 mins and an entire bucket of sweat I finally got it open!  I was so excited!  I’m not going to die after all if stranded on a tropical island!  It was delicious too!  

*There are two kinds of coconuts here, the young ones which they call pipas.  These are great for drinking but the fruit inside is very jelly like.  It tastes ok, but I prefer the older ones for eating.  The older ones are what most people at home find in the grocery store, the dark brown ones with three holes at the top. But that’s not how they are in nature.  They are wrapped in a very strong outer shell made of fiber stuff.  So to get to the water and fruit inside you have to break them out of the shell without damaging the actual coconut.  The best means to do this is to find a smallish stick poking out of the ground, a log or a tree, stab the coconut with it and pry the outer skin off.  Easier said than done!  I this case I had to find a stick and wedge it in the sand next to a big piece of drift wood to get the leverage I needed.  It took all my body weight and strength!  I’m hoping next time will go more smoothly and faster!