Independence Day

Independence. Freedom. Unfettered. Liberated. Autonomous.
 
A free agent if you will.  That's what I became today officially.  After a short phone call with Coco it was decided that we would be only friends.  That it is too hard to maintain a relationship when I don't know when/if I can go back and even then I couldn't really stay very long.  He can't realistically come here.  Phone calls are expensive and hard to have especially during the rainy season.  And basically neither of us know what the hell we are doing tomorrow, figuratively and literally.  Both of our futures are really up in the air and filled with uncertainty and anxiety. 

Knowing all of this still doesn't help the sadness I feel.  It's funny how some people really get to you.  Reaching places in your heart and head that not many others can ever get to.  We joked about how we were probably together in another lifetime.  Or that we will be together again in a future other lifetime. There was a connection between us that is hard to explain.  Maybe it was the heat, or the booze, but it was definitely something.  I think I mentioned this before, but something about being with Coco made me realize that even though I've spent most of my adult life fantasizing about being alone that I really don't want to end up alone.  I'm not desperate to hook up with someone, or get married, or settle for anyone just to have someone.  But it's nice to know that someone has your back, and you are there for that someone too. 

Don't get me wrong, I am really really fortunate to have a couple of amazing friends that I know I can rely on in a similar way.  I am also really glad to have spent the time I did with Coco and am happy he and I can stay friends.  But it's still really difficult right now.  Nothing in my life is stable, I feel very very lost and so unclear about everything. 

It's hard to put into words when everything you've been told and have believed for years about careers and jobs and money seems to go out the window and not make sense anymore.  Things and items seem so meaningless and pointless and a burden weighing me down.  I want to be rid of it all.  The furniture, the house, the books, the shoes, etc.  All those things that we fill our lives with, all those things we are told will make us happy.  But those things, in my case, have started to feel like they stop me from really living at times.  Those times when all I want to do is travel and see and smell and taste all things new and foreign.  To live those lives that aren't mine, but are entirely mine to live. To live my life for me. 

So now that I've rambled and cried, having made little and also much sense to myself or you, I leave you with a lyrics quote from the song that's been in my head all day long.  And in some of the weeks prior and I'm sure will be in the weeks to come.  

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -Me and Bobby McGee, best preformed by Janis Joplin of course. 

Ha. I bet you expected another "Free Bird" quote.  :)  

My Life in a "The Jerk" Quote

"The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days."

The 2nd floor bedroom at the farm. 

Well, you get the idea.  I've been home two weeks as of today, but it seems like forever.  And sometimes it seems like I never left.  And sometimes it seems like I'm still there, but that's only when I'm asleep.  I miss the warmth, the farm, and Coco.  I keep imagining what it would be like going about my menial daily tasks with him here.  And it's always more fun when I think of him being here.   Especially the 3 hour car drive with the radio on scan singing to keep the boredom and sleep away.  I imagine what he'd think of Oregon and the people and places I've been since I've been back.  And then I remember how difficult, if not impossible it will be for him to ever get to Oregon.  Mostly thanks to the current US immigration laws that really do try to keep every Latino out, even for a visit.  It makes me sick.  OPEN THE EFFEN BOARDERS!  America is melting pot for kitties sake!  But enough of my political views.

I've been frustrated and confused and irritated and sad with my prospects for the future.  And as of last week I only had plans through the 16th of July and after that I had nothing to even think about.  I'm now booked through Labor day with this and that.  Today I found out some bad financial news, that will make a huge impact on if I can actually keep this house or let the bank have it.  But I also got a call from the gallery and wine bar in Vancouver that has my Julia painting and it sold!  And she wants another one to replace it.  I was also told by my great friend that I can have another buddy pass to fly for cheap if I want to go back!  So I guess the good news out weighs the bad. 

If I believed in signs I'd most likely think that I should go back.  I am more motivated than ever(or at least earlier today) to paint and practice my terrible Espanol.  Plus I hate being cold.

Home on the Range

It's Saturday and I've been home for 3 whole days.  I'm still trying to adjust.  Trying to reorganize my room as I have moved from the garage into a bedroom here.  I've had to go through all my clothes as they don't fit.  Things are still a disaster.  I've been nauseated and had stomach pain since Thursday.  I've self diagnosed myself with an exotic parasite, pregnancy, kidney infection and a colon blockage.  The current diagnosis is dehydration and stress.

I have no idea what to do next.  Aside from cleaning up this room, the house and the cat puke.  I've talked to Coco at least once a day.  He says he can't believe how much he misses me.  Just when I think I shouldn't go back I think about him and can't stand the thought of never seeing him again.

Now before you say "Why doesn't he just come here" let me tell you it's not that simple.  For a couple reasons.  1. It's almost impossible for Latinos to get a visitor visa not to mention a work visa, and he would need to work if he was here very long.  2.  He has a child support situation that requires him to pay one year upfront before he can consider leaving the country.

He lived in Chicago for a while in his early 20's and had no problem getting all the necessary visas.  But times have changed.  They have to pay around $150 to even apply for the visa, go to San Jose for an interview with no guarantee of receiving it.

So I'm left with the travel bag.  But of course I don't mind going back.  But there are logistics involved with the house, the cats and of course the lack of cashola.

So hear I sit in bed this weird Saturday wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life.  I guess I'll start by trying to get rid of the headache and stomach pain. And maybe look at something cute like bunnies and kitties.  

The Art of Sleep

The small commuter airport for Sansa airline is right next door to SJO which really isn't that large of an airport.  I rolled my big bag down the street and up the side walk.  Paid my exit tax checked my bag. I had to take my empty big back pack out of the suite case so it was under 50lbs. I now had an empty back pack as my second carry one.  No big deal.  I even had time for a nasty sandwich and a beer.  Hair of the dog hangover cure. Didn't help my heartache though. 

I was upgraded to business class which was a nice surprise for flying standby.  I watched some HBO and other TV and didn't really sleep.  I guess I was too sad.  I ate a snack and drank tomato juice.

I had to fill out the customs and immigration form that always needs filled out when arriving a new country or returning to the good old United States of America.   I forgot about these questions! "11.I am bringing... d. Soil or have been on a farm/ranch/pasture:  yes or no"    "12.  I have(we have) been in close proximity of (such as touching or handling) livestock: yes or no"   Opps.  I don't know if you've ever been to secondary screening, but it's not pleasant.  They are rude and treat you like a criminal.  I opted to answer NO!  Hell no, I wasn't anywhere near a farm, pasture or livestock.  (if you want to hear my 8lb Parmesan cheese story when I returned for Italy just let me know)

Made it through customs and immigration no problem.  No anal searches or bag searches.  The food/drug dog sniffed at me a couple times and the rude beagle even jumped up and put his front feet on my back to smell my backpack.

I ate a Checkers hamburger, fries and 2 large coca-colas which was a mistake and I was crappy my guts out two hours later.  It was probably for the best that I didn't get on the stand by flight to SLC.  I was to stay the night with my friend in Salt Lake and catch the morning flight to PDX.  Instead I slept in the Atlanta airport.  Well, sleep is a relative term.  I slept some in between people walking by, cleaning people dusting and cleaning people vacuuming.  So many 2.5 hours total, curdled up with my backpack and borrowed red Delta blankets. 

I miraculously got on the first flight to PDX and was home by noon.  Thank you Christine for picking up this heartbroken zombie of a traveler!  My bad had a nice trip to SLC without me and I was able to pick it up that night.  Homeland security had searched it again, repacking it like a monkey might.  Breaking my iphone charger and basically making a mess of things.  Thankfully my easel didn't break. 

This One Wild & Precious Life

 'Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?'
-Mary Oliver
"The Summer Day"


(Mostly)Transcribed directly from my written journal with some details and info so it makes sense to someone other than myself.

June 18th 2012

This is what a drunk wake up looks like

On a plane from Puerto Jimenez to San Jose with 9 other gringos.  Oh how I hate hearing English & the stupid things tourists say.  This morning I woke up at 7:38 with a start!  We went to sleep after 3am.  Took 2 shots of rum and was at the airport by 8:15.  I had to stop by Williams on the way to get the last of my mail. My birthday mail and he basically mauled me while Coco and the farm owner lawyer were waiting in the car for me.  He honestly thought this entire time I'd come back to him.  He had told me the night before that the two woman who told me about his lying and cheating had lied and ruined his life.  I felt sorry for him.

My luggage weighed 53.85 there was a $16 over weight fee I gave them a $20 and didn't get my change.  Typical.  I had everything in the beige suite case, including my now empty large back pack.  I left all my ruined, too large clothes, and ones I hated behind.  I weighed 135 with my clothes and shoes on.  I weight 130 when I graduated high school.  I was shocked.  At the airport Coco bought us 2 pipas frias (fresh cold coconuts to drink) and a coca-cola to help with what would soon be a hangover. 

Airport.  Yikes, I had 3 hours of sleep, drunk & crying already

Coco walked me to the outside gate at the small airport where we drunkenly said good bye and that we'd miss each other and that I'd be back soon.  Kissed and I turned and walked away.  I didn't look back.  I couldn't as I knew I'd totally loose it.  We taxied down the run way to turn around to take off, but by the time the plane got back to where Coco had been I didn't see him.  I cried 1/2 the way to San Jose.  A one hour plane ride.

Written on the plane(Keep in mind I was still drunkish):

I still don't know if Coco really loves me but how could he not?  With all the BS we both put up with?  I love his smell. and his smile. So much laughing together about stupid stuff. I am going to me him so much.  Crying again.  Raw emotion.  Cut open like the coconut I drank.  I don't know why my wall wont rebuild. Why after a year of feeling I can't shut it down?  I told Coco I don't want to end up alone.  I used to think that was my dream.  A small house, kitties, garden, alone.  But I really want someone to share with. Someone to take car of and to take care of me.  If nothing else, & inspire of the craziness we had we always took care of each other even when angry. 

I don't know if I will or if I can come back to CR. to PJ. But i want to.  There is something about the heat, sweat, water, ocean, crazy wild 1950's frontier attitude that calls to me. 

I've really only been in love a few times. (and to clarify I was not in love with William) And I know it can be temporary. But will I find another person that I look at the same way.  That makes me laugh & smile even mid crazy booze binge?  I have issues about certain things, that is for sure, so if I had only 2 episodes in 4 months, that's pretty good.  The therapy must be working. ha.  I have 3 letters to read.  Read William his card from my Gram this morning, she thanked him for delivering my mail.

So glad I did all the packing last night!  I'm regretting not turning to wave and or blow a kiss but he hates crying & I was drunk.  but still we said we love you to each other and that I will come back.

Still on Sansa Plane.  Just read my bday cards and am crying again.  Follow you heart & not what others say.  recurring theme.  Costa Rica is crazy and strange and beautiful and full of things I can't understand and expensive and full of liars.  and I love it.

The shots, pipas and coca-cola are wearing off and I feel a bit sick.  I hope I don't puke and make it to my next flight no problemo.  If/when I return I will need mas Espanol. I need a plan for cash and Spanish.  Damn this hangover headache!  I'm sure the other American look at me as if I'm a freak.  Or a tweaker, as that's how I feel today.  And I honestly don't give a shit.  I farted and it stunk like crazy.  and i don't care at all.  These other Americans have no idea what I've been thought.  As they lounged in their resorts speaking only to other English speakers living their resort vacation lives.  I was really living the pure life.  Pura Vida with doesn't translate how we think pura vida.  Live now.  Live in the now.  Not in the past .  Not yesterday not tomorrow.  Play all for nothing.  Live in the now.  Solamente for the today & tomorrows another day. Tomorrows another day.  Forgive, forget, and live for the moment.

My ears are plugging as we descend to SJO.  My heart breaks but is happy to have lived all the things. Good and bad.  I lived it.  I lived it.  I will keep living it today. Now.

Postcards from the Past

Front of post card

To: Serena Van Vranken
Portland Oregon USA
Post date: 09.15.2008
Muchen (Munich Germany)

Sitting in this pavilion across from te cello player in the center of a garden in the middle of Munich.  I feel so lucky, so inspired, so alive - where to now? I wonder.  I dream.  My heart lays exposed. Layers of calluses are gone.  It's painful to return.  If i do anything else but live fully after this I will be amazed & ashamed of myself.

Yours Truly,
Serena


I guess it's always hard for this gypsy heart to return home.

Actual post card - spelling errors and all.  :)

June 13th, my 23rd Birthday

The neighbor sent us some nice cheese and Coco made me surprise empanadas from scratch. 
We later went to town and had a couple beers with Coco's bro, bought some rum and came back to the house to celebrate.  I neglected to eat dinner and was blacked out shortly after returning to the house.  I can't drink rum.  But that's what everyone drinks here.  Anyway I hear I had a good time.  Mario told me I'm welcome here anytime, this farm is my home.  And he gave me the little machete i like to carry.  Hopefully it makes it home with me.  I will also return to my slow drinking habits when I get home.