Strange Days Indeed

I'd like to be able to say "Nobody told me there'd be days like these"  but I'm pretty sure they have.  This last week has been interesting to say the least. I've realized that I am in no way shape or form in a place in my life to meet new people or make new friends.  I met someone who was interesting to talk to at a Spanish meeting up thinger.  He was from Peru.  He was interested in my art so I gave him a card.  He emailed me, and although his emails could have been considered flirty I tried to think of it as someone to practice Spanish/English with and maybe a new friend.  Nothing wrong with that.  Well, nothing until I started feeling very uncomfortable with the amount of compliments and the personal questions.  Now, I know asking someone get to know you questions is normal. VERY normal.  But I don't really enjoy talking that much and to have someone I don't know inquire about personal things just felt like too much.  It's bad enough talking about things with people I love and people that know my back story.  I just don't have the mental energy for new friends I guess.  So I had to be a dick and very clearly state that I was not looking for anything other than a casual friend to speak Spanish with.  That didn't go as well as I'd liked.  He took it as personal rejection, which pushed me even further away.  and then I felt bad and tried to explain but that only made things worse.

In other news.  I'm not sure I mentioned this.  Coco is back with baby's mama and the second baby was born Oct. 5th.  Nicolas a boy.  Baby mama finally saw some photos I posted on facebook in March and apparently freaked out.  Commented on them, rude comments toward Coco.  Coco re-blocking me on facebook, blah blah blah. Drama. Drama. Drama.  I'm so thankful they are in another country.  I'm also thankful the universe took this problem out of my hands, now if I could just remove it from my heart.

Job interview.  200 other applicants.  Strange party.  Roommate leaving.  Sick cat. Crying breakdown during yoga.  And these are just the highlights. 

Ah, what a strange and wonderful life to lead.  As I mentioned earlier, life is sort of exciting when you start to see these crazy things as part of a wonderfully illustrated and written story.  Sure beats sitting in a cubical all day.

Flashing Like a Curser on a Blank Page, Not Like a Drunk Woman at a Drag Show.

Staring at the blank screen with the cursor blinking is a strange metaphor for my life right now.  I know that there are things I want to write, just as I know there are things I want to do.  I just don't know for sure what or how.

The last few weeks have been filled with many strange occurrences.  See some, but not all, details in next post. But know these things are pushing me further from wanting to live a normal life.  And maybe I've always known that a normal life isn't for me.  Maybe a temporary normal as a means to an end, maybe.

My life is mostly a blank screen right now.  The only certain things I am responsible for are my kitties and my iphone.  haha  But really the kitties are my only concern about doing anything drastic, like selling what's left and heading south or west to a cheap country to teach English.  I guess having an open for interpretation life is pretty exciting, and maybe I haven't really thought about it that way before.  I'm not as tired to the trappings of this life as some (this life = cars, houses, clothes, things, jobs, status etc.) but there are definitely times when I feel down about my current status.  Embarrassed that the wine I bring to dinner is a $4.40 bottle of Rex Goliath 2001 "47 Pound Rooster".  Which in my opinion gets the job done and has an amazing label.  But according to some it's only good for sangria. If that. But thankful that I have friends who love me and $4.40 for that bottle. 

So as usually life really is about what you make of it.  About the choices and how you react to those choices.  And it's so helpful to think of it as a 'choose your own adventure'.  Even the sad, crazy, and terrible things that life can hand us, help us grow and help us appreciate the good times.  Realizing that it all becomes this great story at the end helps too.  I mean really, would I want to sit in a nursing home some day and not have any funny terrible stories to tell?  I doubt it.  My friends would be bored.  :)  I don't plan on being bored or boring even in the nursing home.  

And in the words of William and many others before taking that amazing first drink of beer on an equally amazing hot Costa Rican day "Salud, Amor y Dinero!"

I thought.

Sometimes I do think, but not often.  In fact, one of my best life skills is not thinking.  Ignoring, temporarily forgetting, burying deeply and pretending things are fine, those are my specialties.  Terrible skills to have. Although I know they serve a purpose, but using these skills for years makes for a really expensive therapy tab.

So I'm trying to work through my current emotions about Costa Rica and all that happened there.  All that has happened since my return. It gets really confusing at times.  Knowing what was real and what wasn't.  And maybe the truth doesn't matter, and I'll probably never know the entire truth.  The reality is I need to learn and move on.  Without distraction and crutches that are soooo easy to fall into. 

I never intended for this blog to become a relationship whining blog, and it won't be this way forever.  My Jungle life adventure will evolve into something else and so will this blog.  I plan to travel and explore and live an adventurous life again.  It may not be in a real jungle with deadly snakes and food foraging, it may only be here in Portland.  But I know my life will be an adventure again.  I mean, it is anyway, really.  I'm an outlier, unemployed, making do, selling some art, sitting some pets and creative financing.  I just need to heal, rest, recharge and eventually redirect.

and then...

October 21st 2012  The W Hotel Seattle Washington USA (transcribed from hand written journal)

Sitting in my 4 start hotel room I am hit with an overwhelming longing for the farm.  The jungle surroundings call to me.  The heat, the bugs, the sweat.  I feel a sadness that I can't quite explain.  A missing of something I may have imagined.  A desire to connect with the environment around me.  To rely on each other with someone.  Though those descriptions aren't exactly right.  I miss.  I feel a need, a desire, a dream.  But I know that part of what I miss wasn't healthy, it wasn't even sane.  But the struggle, the fun, the excitement was always real. 

Recently I've been frustrated, or something, when others freak out about the things that were commonplace in Costa Rica.  Bugs being a huge trigger.  Fruit flies in wine or on food, flies in the house, ants on the counter.  Throwing out the wine because it had some bugs in it.  These are normal things here (in the US) to be upset about.  There the normal is to maybe get rid of some ants before eating the rest of them in your sugar.  Coco would sometimes put the sugar container close to the fire and they would leave the jar.  For a while. 

I've been here(back in Portland) for more than 4 months now and many of my memories are so clear, so burned into my mind.  At times I close my eyes and I'm still there.  Laying on the foam pad on the floor with windows of open holes and the rain pouring down at night. Last week I had a dream about my baby bun buns.  Last night it was Coco. He was telling me he had to do what was right for his daughter.  There are so any reasons we can't be together, but I miss him.  And I sit here looking around this nice hotel with two thoughts: 1. What would it be like to be here with him?  2. How totally unimpressed I am with the plush life at times. I do appreciate my hot showers every day and wonder if I can live again without hot water.  But I know the answer is yes.

This week my lives have been confronting each other.  A small desire to return to work.  A feeling I don't have enough talent, skill or tenacity to really be a painter. And my overwhelming urge to flee the country.  All umbrella-ed by the anxiety of the future.  I know I wouldn't be happy working in an office doing either mindless tasks or struggling to keep up.  40 hours a week with only 2 weeks vacation a year.  But the money would be nice for a while.  To save up.  maybe have an escape plan in place.  Somehow keep the house and rent it out.  I'm just so lost in my world.  Or maybe in the world.  

Done but not Finished

the painting isn't finished but i had to be done with it. 

Work In Progress

and i'm not talking about myself.  it's about 50% compete.  still working out the drawing and contemplating removing the shirt. 

When did I get so Discustingly Sappy?

I heard this song today and couldn't help but apply it to my current situation.  My new theme song, I guess.  In other news, I spent 7 hours painting today when I should have been doing homework. 

You can read the lyrics or listen to it. :)  Or both.  47 times in a row if you want.

Coconut Records
West Coast lyrics

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/coconut_records/west_coast.html ]
I'm goin back home to the west coast
And if you shake her heart enough she will appear
Tonight i think i'll be stayin here
And you never did like this town
I talk out loud like you're still around
No nooo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Come on everybody

Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa

So pack up the bags to beat back the clock
Do i let her sleep or should i wake her up
You said
We both go together if one falls down
Yeah right, heh
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I m goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaaa
I'm goin back home to the west coast
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaaa
I 'm goin back home to the west coast

Lalalalaa
Lalalalaa