A quickie

At this point, I'm pretty certain the only person reading these blogs is my grandma, which is fine.  Maybe my mom as she has to print them for my gram! :)

Anyway, a couple weeks back, I broke off communication with Coco.  There were multiple reasons. But it was still difficult and I still think of him many times throughout my day.  It was great to hear all the things I wanted to hear, and to see that he is doing ok.  Or at least ok for him.  I'm still day dreaming about Costa Rica, the animals, the heat, the ocean and my friends. 

I guess I don't have much more to say about it.

Can You Spare Any Change?

I can. But not the silver jingly kind.  Change.  Change is the only constant, They say.  Someday I want to meet They. I wonder if They will be a man or a woman? Maybe They is a man and a woman, or a panel of people.

I know things change.  Sometimes change takes longer than I'd wish.  Sometimes change happens at a time I don't appreciate.  Sometimes the changes I think I want are not really whats best for me.  Sometimes change happens in a blink of an eye, sometimes you only think something has changed.  Or maybe you have changed and didn't notice.

Something has changed, a shift in thought, a shift of my heart, a shift in my head.  I'm not sure exactly.  I wonder if this change is good or bad.  I'm not even sure what the change is but I know it's there.  And I'm not sure what to do with this. 

6 months ago I would have jumped right back on a plane to Costa Rica at the drop of a hat.  4 months ago I would have done the same thing.  Probably, truth be told, I would have done it a month ago.  But now I don't think I can.  As I type that I feel very uncomfortable.  It's as if I'm turning my back on something, someone.  But I don't know if that is the case. It's just complicated in my head.  75% of me wants to, no questions asked.  But then what?

It's funny to hear everything you've ever wanted to hear out of someones mouth, and have it send red flags.  or it could be as Coco said, I'm scared to go back to Costa Rica.  Scared of love? Probably.  Amongst the crazy.

So I'm still trying to focus on art, the next step is deciding how to go forward with this house and my future employment options.  Giving myself distance from Coco, giving him distance from me.

The Always Enteraining Unvierse

Just when you think the Universe is crazy, you find out she's actually Hellarious.  Hell. ar. ious.
Two weeks ago I received an email from Coco asking me how I was, wishing me a merry christmas and telling me he's not on the farm and he's now single. Last Wednesday I called him. It was as if no time had passed, we joked and had a great conversation.  He didn't want to talk about what had happened between him and baby's mama so I let it drop.  He also apologized to me, which was a little surprising but I was glad for it.  It was really good to hear his voice, but left me with a million mixed feelings. I still have the mixed feelings.  We've talked a few times and he's asked me to return to him.  Promising me his heart amongst another organ. haha Hey, I could have said another red throbbing thing. hahaha Man, I crack myself up.

Anyway, this raises many thoughts and many hours of therapy lie in question.  Also, the cold is getting to me.  I can't stand it.  It makes me sooooo crabby.  Heated yoga helps, today as I was in corpse pose literally right next to the heater with my eyes closed, I imagined being on the beach with a hot breeze blowing on me.  It's summer in Costa Rica, hardly any rain.  I've never experienced full-on summer there.  December and January are the months with the least amount of rain.  It's taking all my will power not to book a flight for tomorrow.  or the next day.  But the kitties, and other obligations are preventing it.  Funny thing is I just looked at flights.  I could go for three weeks before Roomie runs off to Vietnam. Looks like $700ish. But damn, then I'd spend more money getting to southern Costa Rica and food, and probably beer.  Sounds expensive.  Sounds crazy.  But double damn that's what I want to do.

The other thing stopping me from doing this is my boyfriend, Painting.  I promised a 6 month commitment.  that expires the end of February.  And you can't just keep dropping Painting and expect he'll always take you back. 

So I'll take this opportunity to spend some quality time with Painting tonight. 

Strange Days Indeed

I'd like to be able to say "Nobody told me there'd be days like these"  but I'm pretty sure they have.  This last week has been interesting to say the least. I've realized that I am in no way shape or form in a place in my life to meet new people or make new friends.  I met someone who was interesting to talk to at a Spanish meeting up thinger.  He was from Peru.  He was interested in my art so I gave him a card.  He emailed me, and although his emails could have been considered flirty I tried to think of it as someone to practice Spanish/English with and maybe a new friend.  Nothing wrong with that.  Well, nothing until I started feeling very uncomfortable with the amount of compliments and the personal questions.  Now, I know asking someone get to know you questions is normal. VERY normal.  But I don't really enjoy talking that much and to have someone I don't know inquire about personal things just felt like too much.  It's bad enough talking about things with people I love and people that know my back story.  I just don't have the mental energy for new friends I guess.  So I had to be a dick and very clearly state that I was not looking for anything other than a casual friend to speak Spanish with.  That didn't go as well as I'd liked.  He took it as personal rejection, which pushed me even further away.  and then I felt bad and tried to explain but that only made things worse.

In other news.  I'm not sure I mentioned this.  Coco is back with baby's mama and the second baby was born Oct. 5th.  Nicolas a boy.  Baby mama finally saw some photos I posted on facebook in March and apparently freaked out.  Commented on them, rude comments toward Coco.  Coco re-blocking me on facebook, blah blah blah. Drama. Drama. Drama.  I'm so thankful they are in another country.  I'm also thankful the universe took this problem out of my hands, now if I could just remove it from my heart.

Job interview.  200 other applicants.  Strange party.  Roommate leaving.  Sick cat. Crying breakdown during yoga.  And these are just the highlights. 

Ah, what a strange and wonderful life to lead.  As I mentioned earlier, life is sort of exciting when you start to see these crazy things as part of a wonderfully illustrated and written story.  Sure beats sitting in a cubical all day.

Flashing Like a Curser on a Blank Page, Not Like a Drunk Woman at a Drag Show.

Staring at the blank screen with the cursor blinking is a strange metaphor for my life right now.  I know that there are things I want to write, just as I know there are things I want to do.  I just don't know for sure what or how.

The last few weeks have been filled with many strange occurrences.  See some, but not all, details in next post. But know these things are pushing me further from wanting to live a normal life.  And maybe I've always known that a normal life isn't for me.  Maybe a temporary normal as a means to an end, maybe.

My life is mostly a blank screen right now.  The only certain things I am responsible for are my kitties and my iphone.  haha  But really the kitties are my only concern about doing anything drastic, like selling what's left and heading south or west to a cheap country to teach English.  I guess having an open for interpretation life is pretty exciting, and maybe I haven't really thought about it that way before.  I'm not as tired to the trappings of this life as some (this life = cars, houses, clothes, things, jobs, status etc.) but there are definitely times when I feel down about my current status.  Embarrassed that the wine I bring to dinner is a $4.40 bottle of Rex Goliath 2001 "47 Pound Rooster".  Which in my opinion gets the job done and has an amazing label.  But according to some it's only good for sangria. If that. But thankful that I have friends who love me and $4.40 for that bottle. 

So as usually life really is about what you make of it.  About the choices and how you react to those choices.  And it's so helpful to think of it as a 'choose your own adventure'.  Even the sad, crazy, and terrible things that life can hand us, help us grow and help us appreciate the good times.  Realizing that it all becomes this great story at the end helps too.  I mean really, would I want to sit in a nursing home some day and not have any funny terrible stories to tell?  I doubt it.  My friends would be bored.  :)  I don't plan on being bored or boring even in the nursing home.  

And in the words of William and many others before taking that amazing first drink of beer on an equally amazing hot Costa Rican day "Salud, Amor y Dinero!"

I thought.

Sometimes I do think, but not often.  In fact, one of my best life skills is not thinking.  Ignoring, temporarily forgetting, burying deeply and pretending things are fine, those are my specialties.  Terrible skills to have. Although I know they serve a purpose, but using these skills for years makes for a really expensive therapy tab.

So I'm trying to work through my current emotions about Costa Rica and all that happened there.  All that has happened since my return. It gets really confusing at times.  Knowing what was real and what wasn't.  And maybe the truth doesn't matter, and I'll probably never know the entire truth.  The reality is I need to learn and move on.  Without distraction and crutches that are soooo easy to fall into. 

I never intended for this blog to become a relationship whining blog, and it won't be this way forever.  My Jungle life adventure will evolve into something else and so will this blog.  I plan to travel and explore and live an adventurous life again.  It may not be in a real jungle with deadly snakes and food foraging, it may only be here in Portland.  But I know my life will be an adventure again.  I mean, it is anyway, really.  I'm an outlier, unemployed, making do, selling some art, sitting some pets and creative financing.  I just need to heal, rest, recharge and eventually redirect.

and then...

October 21st 2012  The W Hotel Seattle Washington USA (transcribed from hand written journal)

Sitting in my 4 start hotel room I am hit with an overwhelming longing for the farm.  The jungle surroundings call to me.  The heat, the bugs, the sweat.  I feel a sadness that I can't quite explain.  A missing of something I may have imagined.  A desire to connect with the environment around me.  To rely on each other with someone.  Though those descriptions aren't exactly right.  I miss.  I feel a need, a desire, a dream.  But I know that part of what I miss wasn't healthy, it wasn't even sane.  But the struggle, the fun, the excitement was always real. 

Recently I've been frustrated, or something, when others freak out about the things that were commonplace in Costa Rica.  Bugs being a huge trigger.  Fruit flies in wine or on food, flies in the house, ants on the counter.  Throwing out the wine because it had some bugs in it.  These are normal things here (in the US) to be upset about.  There the normal is to maybe get rid of some ants before eating the rest of them in your sugar.  Coco would sometimes put the sugar container close to the fire and they would leave the jar.  For a while. 

I've been here(back in Portland) for more than 4 months now and many of my memories are so clear, so burned into my mind.  At times I close my eyes and I'm still there.  Laying on the foam pad on the floor with windows of open holes and the rain pouring down at night. Last week I had a dream about my baby bun buns.  Last night it was Coco. He was telling me he had to do what was right for his daughter.  There are so any reasons we can't be together, but I miss him.  And I sit here looking around this nice hotel with two thoughts: 1. What would it be like to be here with him?  2. How totally unimpressed I am with the plush life at times. I do appreciate my hot showers every day and wonder if I can live again without hot water.  But I know the answer is yes.

This week my lives have been confronting each other.  A small desire to return to work.  A feeling I don't have enough talent, skill or tenacity to really be a painter. And my overwhelming urge to flee the country.  All umbrella-ed by the anxiety of the future.  I know I wouldn't be happy working in an office doing either mindless tasks or struggling to keep up.  40 hours a week with only 2 weeks vacation a year.  But the money would be nice for a while.  To save up.  maybe have an escape plan in place.  Somehow keep the house and rent it out.  I'm just so lost in my world.  Or maybe in the world.