and then...

October 21st 2012  The W Hotel Seattle Washington USA (transcribed from hand written journal)

Sitting in my 4 start hotel room I am hit with an overwhelming longing for the farm.  The jungle surroundings call to me.  The heat, the bugs, the sweat.  I feel a sadness that I can't quite explain.  A missing of something I may have imagined.  A desire to connect with the environment around me.  To rely on each other with someone.  Though those descriptions aren't exactly right.  I miss.  I feel a need, a desire, a dream.  But I know that part of what I miss wasn't healthy, it wasn't even sane.  But the struggle, the fun, the excitement was always real. 

Recently I've been frustrated, or something, when others freak out about the things that were commonplace in Costa Rica.  Bugs being a huge trigger.  Fruit flies in wine or on food, flies in the house, ants on the counter.  Throwing out the wine because it had some bugs in it.  These are normal things here (in the US) to be upset about.  There the normal is to maybe get rid of some ants before eating the rest of them in your sugar.  Coco would sometimes put the sugar container close to the fire and they would leave the jar.  For a while. 

I've been here(back in Portland) for more than 4 months now and many of my memories are so clear, so burned into my mind.  At times I close my eyes and I'm still there.  Laying on the foam pad on the floor with windows of open holes and the rain pouring down at night. Last week I had a dream about my baby bun buns.  Last night it was Coco. He was telling me he had to do what was right for his daughter.  There are so any reasons we can't be together, but I miss him.  And I sit here looking around this nice hotel with two thoughts: 1. What would it be like to be here with him?  2. How totally unimpressed I am with the plush life at times. I do appreciate my hot showers every day and wonder if I can live again without hot water.  But I know the answer is yes.

This week my lives have been confronting each other.  A small desire to return to work.  A feeling I don't have enough talent, skill or tenacity to really be a painter. And my overwhelming urge to flee the country.  All umbrella-ed by the anxiety of the future.  I know I wouldn't be happy working in an office doing either mindless tasks or struggling to keep up.  40 hours a week with only 2 weeks vacation a year.  But the money would be nice for a while.  To save up.  maybe have an escape plan in place.  Somehow keep the house and rent it out.  I'm just so lost in my world.  Or maybe in the world.  

Done but not Finished

the painting isn't finished but i had to be done with it. 

Work In Progress

and i'm not talking about myself.  it's about 50% compete.  still working out the drawing and contemplating removing the shirt. 

When did I get so Discustingly Sappy?

I heard this song today and couldn't help but apply it to my current situation.  My new theme song, I guess.  In other news, I spent 7 hours painting today when I should have been doing homework. 

You can read the lyrics or listen to it. :)  Or both.  47 times in a row if you want.

Coconut Records
West Coast lyrics

For a second there i thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/coconut_records/west_coast.html ]
I'm goin back home to the west coast
And if you shake her heart enough she will appear
Tonight i think i'll be stayin here
And you never did like this town
I talk out loud like you're still around
No nooo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I'm goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Come on everybody

Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaa

So pack up the bags to beat back the clock
Do i let her sleep or should i wake her up
You said
We both go together if one falls down
Yeah right, heh
I talk out loud like you're still around
No noo
And i miss you (ooooh')
I m goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat

I miss you

I'm goin back home to the west coast
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaaa
I'm goin back home to the west coast
Lalalalaaaa, lalalalaaaa
I 'm goin back home to the west coast

Lalalalaa
Lalalalaa

GCW after an evening wade

After spending 8 days in the woods camping(girls camping weekend aka GCW), floating in the sun and drinking beer I thought I'd have some piece of mind.  Some direction.  Anything.  But instead I feel more confused than ever. 

I did drive to town on Thursday for more beer and ice and to call Coco on his 28th birthday.  He was so happy to hear from me and we had a very nice conversation.  Which probably added to some of my confusion.  It also didn't help that on Sunday when I returned I had a facebook message from him asking me not to call for a few days as his baby's mama and baby were visiting.  Well, here's the thing, I actually am not 100% sure of what his message said.  I can read some and thought I knew what it meant, but when i put it in to the two online translators I use it got more confusing. But what ever it said isn't sitting right with me.

I have purposely left out the details of my money woes, as this is not what this blog was about.  But at some point the life-searching, struggles, living and loving come to a point where money plays a factor.  Like it or not.  I have some very major decisions to make about my future. All aspects. And in times of great stress my decision making skills go out the window.  All the thoughts jump around like a meth-ed out man with 1000 channels on cable with a remote control in hand.  It's times like these when I believe I am a Gemini.  Because I can usually narrow things down to two decisions and then have equal weight to both.  or at least that's what it seems like.

Anyway, I don't know if this blog serves me any longer. Or if I'll write here again.  I'm back in the city and in my "real" life.  But oh how I miss being warm most of the day and night, and the animal noises, and not understanding everything that's happening around me.  And many other things.  Barking dogs and children are so much less annoying in other countries.

Here's my real blog if anyone cares.  It's not required reading.  :)  itsalmostmonday

Independence Day

Independence. Freedom. Unfettered. Liberated. Autonomous.
 
A free agent if you will.  That's what I became today officially.  After a short phone call with Coco it was decided that we would be only friends.  That it is too hard to maintain a relationship when I don't know when/if I can go back and even then I couldn't really stay very long.  He can't realistically come here.  Phone calls are expensive and hard to have especially during the rainy season.  And basically neither of us know what the hell we are doing tomorrow, figuratively and literally.  Both of our futures are really up in the air and filled with uncertainty and anxiety. 

Knowing all of this still doesn't help the sadness I feel.  It's funny how some people really get to you.  Reaching places in your heart and head that not many others can ever get to.  We joked about how we were probably together in another lifetime.  Or that we will be together again in a future other lifetime. There was a connection between us that is hard to explain.  Maybe it was the heat, or the booze, but it was definitely something.  I think I mentioned this before, but something about being with Coco made me realize that even though I've spent most of my adult life fantasizing about being alone that I really don't want to end up alone.  I'm not desperate to hook up with someone, or get married, or settle for anyone just to have someone.  But it's nice to know that someone has your back, and you are there for that someone too. 

Don't get me wrong, I am really really fortunate to have a couple of amazing friends that I know I can rely on in a similar way.  I am also really glad to have spent the time I did with Coco and am happy he and I can stay friends.  But it's still really difficult right now.  Nothing in my life is stable, I feel very very lost and so unclear about everything. 

It's hard to put into words when everything you've been told and have believed for years about careers and jobs and money seems to go out the window and not make sense anymore.  Things and items seem so meaningless and pointless and a burden weighing me down.  I want to be rid of it all.  The furniture, the house, the books, the shoes, etc.  All those things that we fill our lives with, all those things we are told will make us happy.  But those things, in my case, have started to feel like they stop me from really living at times.  Those times when all I want to do is travel and see and smell and taste all things new and foreign.  To live those lives that aren't mine, but are entirely mine to live. To live my life for me. 

So now that I've rambled and cried, having made little and also much sense to myself or you, I leave you with a lyrics quote from the song that's been in my head all day long.  And in some of the weeks prior and I'm sure will be in the weeks to come.  

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -Me and Bobby McGee, best preformed by Janis Joplin of course. 

Ha. I bet you expected another "Free Bird" quote.  :)  

My Life in a "The Jerk" Quote

"The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days."

The 2nd floor bedroom at the farm. 

Well, you get the idea.  I've been home two weeks as of today, but it seems like forever.  And sometimes it seems like I never left.  And sometimes it seems like I'm still there, but that's only when I'm asleep.  I miss the warmth, the farm, and Coco.  I keep imagining what it would be like going about my menial daily tasks with him here.  And it's always more fun when I think of him being here.   Especially the 3 hour car drive with the radio on scan singing to keep the boredom and sleep away.  I imagine what he'd think of Oregon and the people and places I've been since I've been back.  And then I remember how difficult, if not impossible it will be for him to ever get to Oregon.  Mostly thanks to the current US immigration laws that really do try to keep every Latino out, even for a visit.  It makes me sick.  OPEN THE EFFEN BOARDERS!  America is melting pot for kitties sake!  But enough of my political views.

I've been frustrated and confused and irritated and sad with my prospects for the future.  And as of last week I only had plans through the 16th of July and after that I had nothing to even think about.  I'm now booked through Labor day with this and that.  Today I found out some bad financial news, that will make a huge impact on if I can actually keep this house or let the bank have it.  But I also got a call from the gallery and wine bar in Vancouver that has my Julia painting and it sold!  And she wants another one to replace it.  I was also told by my great friend that I can have another buddy pass to fly for cheap if I want to go back!  So I guess the good news out weighs the bad. 

If I believed in signs I'd most likely think that I should go back.  I am more motivated than ever(or at least earlier today) to paint and practice my terrible Espanol.  Plus I hate being cold.